MENTAL HOSPITAL
PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling
The NHS County Mental Hospital .
Please select from the following
options menu:
If you are
obsessive-compulsive,
press 1 repeatedly.
If you are
co-dependent,
please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have
multiple personalities,
press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are
paranoid,
we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are
delusional,
press 7 and your call will be forwarded
to the Mother Ship.
If you are
schizophrenic,
listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are
manic-depressive,
hang up.
It doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are
dyslexic,
press 9-6-9-6.
If you are
bipolar,
please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.
If you have
short-term memory loss,
press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have
low self-esteem,
please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are
menopausal,
put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If You ARE
blonde,
don't press any buttons.
You'll just mess it up.
This coming week is
National Mental Health Care Week.
You can do your part by remembering
to contact at least
one unstable person to show you care.
__________________