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Old 03-09-2004, 04:56 PM   #1
Ben
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Country: US
Location: Virginia
Interests: Quiet desperation
Boat name: A Little Noisy
Boat make: Excalibur 24
Engines: Express Racing 525
Cruising area: Mobjack Bay (where?)

Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,974
Daddy's 10 Rules

DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends look like complete and absolute idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise; you may come to the door with your underpants showing and your trousers ten sizes to big and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.


Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate; when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early"


Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.



Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the
ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midrif T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.


Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside.

The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Old 03-09-2004, 05:06 PM   #2
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Country: uk
Location: dorset
Interests: wasting money on boats
Boat name: aquilla .
Boat make: windy typhoon 43 , extreme24 , fourwinns 220
Engines: tamd 75p, 496 ho, 5.0gxi
Cruising area: corfu

Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: dorset
Posts: 556
girls

ned i have 3 girls for my sins i will save this info and when they start dating will have this printed on there T shirts should keep the randy sods on ther toes
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Old 03-09-2004, 10:33 PM   #3
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Posts: 1,567
Well ned i have to admit i only have two (12(teen) and 8 (teen) ) but believe me i have also saved this for future encounters with perspective "boyfriends"......

I DO (legally) posess a "shotgun" and will probably make a point of cleaning it when they ( the "boyfriend's" ) attend inspection before "Dating" either of my daughters !!

"DADDYS RULE" ( well at least if you want an inheritance !! )
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Old 03-09-2004, 11:38 PM   #4
Ben
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Country: US
Location: Virginia
Interests: Quiet desperation
Boat name: A Little Noisy
Boat make: Excalibur 24
Engines: Express Racing 525
Cruising area: Mobjack Bay (where?)

Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,974
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Foolish


I DO (legally) posess a "shotgun" and will probably make a point of cleaning it when they ( the "boyfriend's" ) attend inspection before "Dating" either of my daughters !!

Mine are also legal and it does make the most interesting impression when Mr. Mossberg (he of pump action fame) ably assisted by his friend Mr. Winchester non-chalantly rest against the wall in the hallway when those young fellas come a courtin.

BTW, we don't have five acres (only one) but we do live in the middle of nowhere.
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