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handy hints and tips
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from going back to sleep.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f***ing thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rds.
6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
7. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
8. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
9. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
10. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.
11. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
12. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
13. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
14. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
15. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
17. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
18. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
19. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p*ssing in the sink.
20. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
21. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
22. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex '. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
23. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
24. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
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