Joke time

[mike k]

FEMALE COMPASSION



A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no

legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.



The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.



The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.



The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f****d?"

The fellow said "No"



She said "You will be when the tide comes in"





BAPTIZING A DRUNK



A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon

A preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the

Water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and

Is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

"Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."



So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for

a little longer.



He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found

Jesus my brother?"



The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the

water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and

when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again

asksthe drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"









The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the

preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"



JESUS

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There

was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this

other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.



They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!"



The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting

alone at a table.



The Irishman calls out across the lounge "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?"



Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes,

I am Jesus," he says.



Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like

you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."



The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his

glass in thanks and drinks.



Then the Australian calls out "Oi you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or

what?"



Jesus nods and says "Yes, I am Jesus".



The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a

pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.



The Scouser then calls out "Oi wack, would you be Jesus?"



Jesus smiles and says "Yes, I am Jesus".



The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of

Bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus

accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.



Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and

approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes

it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a

cry of amazement: "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for

years it’s gone! It's a miracle !!!"



Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.

Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "By jingo mate, the

Migraine! The migraine I've for 40 years is completely gone - it's a

Miracle!!!"



Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says:



"Back off mate - I'm on Disability.............!"