Jokes

[mike k]

> One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
>sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>
> So he tied her up and went golfing.
>
> **************************************************
>
> A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
>the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
>"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
>
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>
> **************************************************
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
>other is a husband.
>
> **************************************************
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
>him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
>
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> **************************************************
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
>
> "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the
>convent."
>
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> **************************************************
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>
> Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
>
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
> You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to
>me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you
>LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to
>salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
>
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think
>I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
>
> The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels
>like when I'm driving."

[mike k]

A little girl went into a pet shop and asked "Excuthe me, do you haf any
>widdle wabbits?".
>
>The shop keeper's heart melted.
>
>He got down on his knees so that he was on her level and said "Do you want

>a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit? Or maybe one like
>that widdle bwown one over there?".
>
>
>The little girl blushed, rocked on her heels, put her hands on her knees,
>leaned forward and whispered.......
>
>
>
>"I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a fuc".

[Jon Fuller]

[mike k]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me"
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?! " says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.
"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 63 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. *I'm outta here

[Captain Chaos]

Originally Posted by mike k

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah...........The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 63 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. *I'm outta here

So Mike, The Ginger Ninjas told you about last years camping holiday as well has he?

[Burnett]

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS

Understanding Engineers- one

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when
one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw
it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice - the
clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!".
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept
golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him.".
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?".
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so
sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with An accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Six
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Seven

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to
him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
The Engineer bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke Up again and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and Returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
Into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
Beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[mike k]

Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school*playground and go into the woods. Curious, Paul followed
***the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

***Little Paul found this so exciting that he could not contain*himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

***"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car going to the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
* *he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,then Aunt Jane........"

*At this point Mommy cut him off and said,"Paul, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it
* for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

*At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story.

*Paul started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."


***MORAL:

**Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt

[Wayne Kerr]

What about the Ken Livingston "Joke" Mike ?????????????????

[Jon Holmes]

A rich white man in Darwin (Northern Territory) decided that He wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood (as opposed to the only gay in the village). He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of **** like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

Jimmy said, "I want you to help me catch the bastard who pushed me in the pool.

[mike k]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.
"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes"
The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... its a f*cking arsehole!!!!!!!!

["Old beardy"]

Two guys working on a tower crane 15 floors up in the middle of the city when one decides he needs a piss. He tells his mate he is going down the long vertical ladder to get to the toilet when the other chap says why? You are 15 floors up, nobody will notice if you have a piss over the side of the crane. He decides this is not a bad idea so goes outside onto the platform. His mate then decides to put the wind up him and joggles the levers, shaking the whole crane. To the drivers horror, his mate falls 15 floors to his death.
At the inquest the coroner asks if there are any witnesses and a guy stands up. He says to the coroner that he thought the guy was a sex maniac. The coroner asks him on what basis had he come to this conclusion. The witness says that all he could see from the 10th floor of his office block was a guy hurtling past with his prick in his hand shouting cu*t !!!!!!!!!

[mike k]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to
put
his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of
the
apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As
they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing
else
on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to
my
apartment, I hear someone coming" He followed her into her apartment, she
closed
the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature"?
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "My ears? Look at these breasts,
they are
full and 100% natural, I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid,
look at
my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my
body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming? That was me!"

[Woody]

> >Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl
> >in his office....
> >but she was married. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her
> >and
> >said, "I'll
> >give you £100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him,
> >then said, "NO."
> >
> >Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
> >down, and I'll
> >finish by the time you've picked it up."
> >
> >She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
> >husband.... so she called
> >him and explained the situation.
> >
> >Her husband says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money really fast. He
> >won't
> >even be able
> >to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.
> >
> >Over half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife's
> >call. Finally, after
> >45 minutes the husband calls and asks what happened....?
> >
> >Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all ten pence
> >pieces!"
> >
> >Management lesson:
> >Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to
> >it and getting screwed.

[mike k]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to
> line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
> beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
> Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told
> that
> anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
> ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The
> beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She
> proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until
> she got to the final priest, Carlos.
> Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew
> off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
> Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.. He
> bent over to pick it up...... Then all the other bells started to ring.

[mike k]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom, was astonished to see the
>bed was
>
> nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an
>envelope,
>
> propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Mum."
>With the
>
> worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter,
>with
>
> trembling hands.
>
>
>
> "Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
>you. I
>
> had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
>scene
>
> with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and
>she is
>
> so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all
>her
>
> piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because
>she is so
>
> much older than I am.
>
>
>
> But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
>
>
>
> Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
>woods,
>
> and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
>dream of
>
> having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact
>that
>
> marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
>
> ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune,
>for all
>
> the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray
>that
>
> science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She
>sure
>
> deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take
>care of
>
> myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get
>to know
>
> your many grandchildren.
>
>
>
> Love, your son, John.
>
>
>
> P.S.Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
>just
>
> wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
>the school
>
> report that's on my desk.
>
>
>
> I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
>

[mike k]

A wedding occurred just outside Govan in Glasgow . To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings Calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Ronny (the best man) stands up and says "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".

The Judge agrees and asks Ronny to take the stand. Ronny begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Govan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK".

"Well", said Ronny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs".

Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"HURT!" Ronny replies "The basta*d broke three of my fingers!”

[mike k]

> > >Morris and his wife Esther went to the seaside every year, and
> > > >every year Morris would watch the helicopter giving pleasure
> > > >flights and
> say,
> > > >"Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
> > > >
> > > >Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride
> > > >is fifty quid, and fifty quid is
> > > > fifty quid."
> > > >
> > > >One year Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride
> > > >that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
> > > >To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty quid,
> > > >and fifty quid is fifty quid."
> > > >The pilot happened to be walking by and overheard the couple and
> said,
> > > >"Folks I'll make you a deal.
> > > > I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for

> > > >the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
> > > >But if you say one word, it's fifty quid."
> > > >Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
> > > >The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was
heard.
> > > >He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a
word.
> > > >When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly,

> > > >I did everything I could to get you to yell out,
> > > > but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
> > > >Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said
> > > >something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty
quid."

[K9 racing]

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his
mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?
The mother replies, "Well, your dad has a big tummy
and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.
You're wasting your time. says the boy.
Why is that? asked his mom, puzzled?
Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes
over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!

[K9 racing]

Q: Why does the river mercy run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would get mugged.


Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got his gas bill

[mike k]

If Tommy Cooper were alive today...

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."


My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.



I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."



I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.



I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."


Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."


I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."


I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


The recruitment consultan t asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.
"He said, "No, this is for the custard."


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.


I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"