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Old 14-11-2006, 09:11 PM   #1
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Made me laugh !

.
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Old 14-11-2006, 09:14 PM   #2
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I don't get it......
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Old 14-11-2006, 09:20 PM   #3
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sorry - file too big to post and I cant resize it !!!! Doh !
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Old 14-11-2006, 09:28 PM   #4
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Try again
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Old 14-11-2006, 09:30 PM   #5
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Unhappy

I give up....it was supposed to be an animated GIF.

One penguin knocking the other over and through the ice !

But it's spoilt now
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Old 14-11-2006, 10:21 PM   #6
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maybe add a link?
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Old 15-11-2006, 12:05 PM   #7
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Two ladies talking in heaven

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
>
>
>1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
>
>2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
>
>1st woman: I froze to death.
>
>2nd woman: How horrible!
>
>1st woman: _It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
>the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
>
>_______________________and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
>
>2nd woman: _I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
>was cheating,
>
>_______________________so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
>_instead, I found him all by himself in the
>_______________________den watching TV.
>
>1st woman: So, what happened?
>
>2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere
>
>
>_______________________that I started running all over the house looking. I
>ran up into the attic and searched,
>
>________________________and down into the basement. Then I went through
>every closet and checked under all the beds.
>
>_______________________I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and
>finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled
>
>_______________________over with a heart attack and
>died.
>
>1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be
>alive.
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Old 15-11-2006, 12:33 PM   #8
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Country: England - South Island
Location: Isle of Wight
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Interests: PowerBoating, Catamaran sailing, Triathlon, Mountain Biking,
Boat name: Technohull
Boat make: 999
Engines: Verado x 2
Cruising area: cruising sounds too slow

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Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said, 'Gordon I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Brown.

'Well' said Blair ' we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies' a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside'

'Right PM' said Brown.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood' said Blair.

'Good evening Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.

Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted it's tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook.
He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five shepherds came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the Barman over.

'Tell me' said Blair, ' why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?'

'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'Its just that someone went in and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'!
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Old 15-11-2006, 08:34 PM   #9
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2 irish men walking along when they come accross a mirror. First man looks in to the mirror and exclaims Shit there is a well ugly man in that mirror, second mans says let me have a look. He looks into the mirror and says ' thats not a well ugly man, its me!
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Old 30-11-2006, 10:50 AM   #10
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Joke

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
>months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy
>kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
>crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to
>know!"
>
>The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
>stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey
>hair
>and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and
>enters
>the house.
>
>He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl
and
>tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I
>can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
>charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of
>her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
>stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If
>a
>boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank
>account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
>
>However, if there is a miscarriage I am not sure what I should do, what do
>you suggest I do?" At this point, the girl's father who had remained
>silent,
>places a hand
>firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again..."
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Old 30-11-2006, 08:27 PM   #11
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This made me laugh!!!

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Old 01-12-2006, 10:48 AM   #12
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Country: England
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Occupation: Airline Operations.
Interests: Rum. Pirates. And West Cornwall pasties.
Boat name: Any suggestions?
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Engines: Mercury 200 Black Max
Cruising area: The Bay of 'E'

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Paddy is working on the site one day when he's called in to see the Doc for his annual medical.

'Remove your clothes and lie down over there please' says the Doc.
Paddy complies, and the Doc sets about his job.
All goes well until the Doc finds an abnormal lump in Paddy's rectum. He informs Paddy that he'll need to investigate further. When he looks closer he finds that there are in fact two separate lumps. Worried, he goes deeper in and finds that they can be removed! When he pulls them out, he discovers that they are in fact Chewing Gum.

'Why on Earth is there chewing gum up your arse Paddy??' Asks the Doc.
'Well, you see...' replies Paddy 'It gets very dirty and dusty on the soite, so I keep it up there when I'm not chewing it'
'I see' says the Doc, puzzled, 'But why two lumps?'
'Arr well you see sir, Dat's because I look after one for me mate as well'
'Bloody Hell!' yells the mortified Doc, before calming down and continuing 'Paddy, don't you think that's just a little bit unhygienic?'
Paddy thinks for a minute, then replies
'Well, maybe you're right Doctor. I'd better mark my one in future'
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Old 13-12-2006, 03:08 PM   #13
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Joke

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when
a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave

the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave
birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and
this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what
happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were
taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
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Old 13-12-2006, 08:14 PM   #14
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whats the difference between mr kipling and the ipswich serial killer?

.
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.mr kipling puts six tarts in a box!
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Old 13-12-2006, 08:41 PM   #15
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You're one sick mutha
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Old 17-12-2006, 04:15 PM   #16
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Country: Channel Islands
Location: Guernsey
Occupation: Retired
Interests: Winding up the Crappo`s and keeping them on their toes
Boat name: Caw Blimey
Boat make: 7.5 mtr Prosport RIB
Engines: 250 Suzuki four stroke
Cruising area: Channel Islands,coast of france

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INDIAN MATING SEASON....
Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off
his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about.
Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening, If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw
in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to
the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep
inside He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some
really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening
and hollered with all his might.....

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO,
WOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,
tearing off his clothes as he ran.

>>>The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> > (Get ready, this will kill ya),
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>> >> >
>>>
>>>
>>>NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!
>>>
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Old 17-12-2006, 04:17 PM   #17
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After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?' " So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
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Old 17-12-2006, 04:19 PM   #18
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Engines: 250 Suzuki four stroke
Cruising area: Channel Islands,coast of france

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One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there". The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!"
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Old 17-12-2006, 08:43 PM   #19
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Lesson Learned - Funny Joke
I was happy.
My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations.

So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just stared as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Old 18-12-2006, 11:17 PM   #20
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Country: GB
Location: Surrey
Occupation: Architectural Designer and Ski Racer
Boat name: True Colours
Boat make: Cyclone 21'
Engines: Mercury 300xs
Cruising area: Worldwide

Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Surrey
Posts: 320
making bath time fun for children who like to visit the beach:

step 1:pour a bag of salt into the water
step 2:add a bucket of sand
step 3:drop in a dog turd and then urinate for 5 secs!!!!!
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