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Old 09-09-2004, 12:48 AM   #1
Ben
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Country: US
Location: Virginia
Interests: Quiet desperation
Boat name: A Little Noisy
Boat make: Excalibur 24
Engines: Express Racing 525
Cruising area: Mobjack Bay (where?)

Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,974
Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1)Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2)Drink a cup of coffee.

3)15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $25.00
Coffee: Free to customers
Total $25.00

.................................................. ..........

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.


2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oilfilter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing
oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.


17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.


18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

2 Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.


29)Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.


32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August(2002)in the left boob.

36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood fl
ow.

3 Beer.

39) Beer

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

4 Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00

-- But you know the job was done right!
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Old 10-09-2004, 08:11 PM   #2
OOD
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Country: UK
Location: Reading
Occupation: President
Interests: Racing
Cruising area: South Coast

Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Reading
Posts: 400
come on Ned it is better than that your in the UK
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