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<p><font face="Tahoma"> <font color="#FF0000">Nelson: "Order the
signal, Hardy."</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: "Aye, aye, sir."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000"> Nelson: "Hold on. That's not what I
dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: "Sorry, sir?"</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000">Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects
every person to do his duty regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation,
religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir.
We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own
job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered
racist."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000">Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Pass me
my pipe and tobacco."</font><br>
<font color="#000080"> Hardy: "Sorry, sir. All naval
vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000">Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum
ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before
battle."</font><br>
<font color="#000080"> Hardy: "The rum ration has been
abolished, Admiral. It's part of the<br>
government's policy to stamp out binge drinking."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000">Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy.
Whatever next? I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's
a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of water."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000"> Nelson: "Damn it, man. We're on the
eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all
dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, if you please."</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: "That won't be possible,
sir."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000"> Nelson: "What?"</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the
crow's nest, sir. Too dangerous. And they said that rope ladder
doesn't meet regulations either. They won't allow anyone up there
until a proper scaffolding can be erected."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000"> Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter
without delay, Hardy."</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a
wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000">Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've
never heard of anything so absurd."</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir.
We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000">Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've
only one arm and one eye myself and I refuse even to hear mention of the
word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability
card."</font><br>
<font color="#000080"> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The
Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb
deficiency."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000">Nelson: "Whatever next. Give me full
sail. The salt spray beckons."</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: "A couple of problems there too,
sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without
hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt.
Haven't you seen the adverts?"</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000">Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy.
Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the
enemy."</font><br>
<font color="#000080"> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about
shooting at anyone, Admiral."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000"> Nelson: "What's this? A
mutiny?"</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's
just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually
kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching
everyone like hawks."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000">Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the
Frenchies and the Spanish?"</font><br>
<font color="#000080"> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000">Nelson: "We're not?"</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and
the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common
Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We
could get hit with a claim for compensation."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000"> Nelson: "But surely you must hate the
Frenchies as you hate the devil?"</font><br>
<font color="#000080"> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's
diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, sir. You could be up on a
disciplinary."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000"> Nelson: "You must consider every man an
enemy who speaks ill of the<br>
</font> <font color="#FF0000">King."</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must
be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest.
It's the rules. It could save your life."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000"> Nelson: "Don't tell me. Health and
safety. Whatever happened to rum and sodomy and the lash?"</font><br>
<font color="#000080">Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off
the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000"> Nelson: "What about sodomy?"</font><br>
<font color="#000080"> Hardy: "I believe that is now legal,
sir."</font><br>
<font color="#FF0000"> Nelson: "In that case ... kiss me,
Hardy!"</font></font></p>
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