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01-05-2009, 11:48 AM
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#181
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timtap
Country: England
Location: Paignton Devon
Occupation: Ex Marine Engineer , Licencee
Interests: Photography, Real Ale .
Boat name: Shooters Too
Boat make: Scarab 22SC
Engines: Mercruiser 270hp
Cruising area: South West
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Paignton Devon
Posts: 333
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Serious Flu Warning !!!
__________________
__________________
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ.
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28-05-2009, 04:08 PM
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#182
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Registered User
Country: UK
Occupation: Designin' Stuff
Interests: Boating/4x4s/Fast Cars
Boat name: Namotu
Boat make: Extreme 24
Engines: 383 Mag Stroker
Cruising area: Channel Isles
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 557
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An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street, he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window "Pianist wanted for evening performances".
'F*cking get in there you C*nt! ' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the f*cking Manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says. 'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your'e poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.........w*anker.' The Manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner, but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' That song was called "Excuse me Prime minister, but I just J*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the C*nts blind.....'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "Lively". "W*nker,," Interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The Manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.
'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the Sh*tbox you get cr*p on your bell end.' 'I see' says the manager.. 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if your older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". Look says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "Racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why the f*ck not'. So on his first night everything is going superbly, the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist, is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on, that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show, he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'.
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, "I F*cking wrote it"
__________________
__________________
I like boating
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03-06-2009, 12:36 PM
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#183
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Traveling
Country: UK
Location: Alderholt
Occupation: Aerospace
Boat name: T/T D2S
Boat make: Midas 27' Cat, Argo 16 Cat. Avon Rib Thingy
Engines: Merc 280-ROS -JSRE,65Xs, 75 Stinger, Yam 60
Cruising area: Any Seedy Bar
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Alderholt
Posts: 4,225
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As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.
My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably very sexy.
She told me that I must stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
__________________
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Team25Racing.com
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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03-06-2009, 05:12 PM
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#184
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Registered User
Country: Guernsey
Occupation: Engineering
Boat make: None, boo!
Engines: Turbines mainly!
Cruising area: The inside of my workshop!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 2,646
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04-06-2009, 02:25 PM
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#185
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TEAM 25 RACING
Country: UK
Location: By the seaside
Occupation: Designing stuff
Cruising area: Solent
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: By the seaside
Posts: 508
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Apologies if this has been seen before, made me laugh.
How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
'An arm and a leg.'
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'
Of course the rest is history............!!!!
__________________
I used to live with fear every day, then I divorced her
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15-06-2009, 09:31 AM
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#186
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Registered User
Country: SOUTH WEST UK
Location: WESTON SUPER MARE
Occupation: MERCEDES SALESMAN
Interests: POWER BOAT RACING
Boat name: BIG AIR
Boat make: PHANTOM 19
Engines: 200XS
Cruising area: BRISTOL CHANNEL
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: WESTON SUPER MARE
Posts: 792
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Broccoli Casserole
A young lady goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip...
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'
Send this to someone who needs a laugh.
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16-06-2009, 10:57 PM
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#187
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Registered User
Country: UK
Location: Pevensey Bay
Occupation: Teacher
Interests: photography
Cruising area: Pevensey Bay / Solent
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Pevensey Bay
Posts: 261
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DEAR BOSS:
Dear boss I write this note to you to tell you of my plight,
and at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue my face a deadly gray,
And I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.
I was workin' on the 14th floor, some bricks I had to clear
And throwin' them down from such a height was not a good idea.
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he bein' an awful sod.
He said I'd have to take them down the ladder in me hod.
Well not shiftin' all them bricks by had, well it seemed so awful slow,
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below
but in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me
Well, when I came down I cut the rope and the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket but to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bleedin' barrel coming down.
Now the barrel broke my shoulder as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I struck the pully with me head,
I still clung on though numbed and shocked by this almighty blow
When the barrel spilled out half the bricks,14 floors below.
Well now when the bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,
Sure I then outweighed the barrel and I started down once more.
Still clinging tightly to the rope I headed for the ground,
Where I fell among the broken bricks that were all scattered Ôround
As I lay there moaning on the floor, sure I thought I passed the worst
When the barrel struck the pully wheel and now didn't the bottom burst
A shower of bricks came down on me, Lord, I hadn't got a hope.
And as I was losing consciousness, I let go the bloody rope.
Now the barrel being heavier it started down once more,
It fell right across me as I lay there on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say.
I hope you'll understand why Paddy's not at work today.
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17-06-2009, 10:21 AM
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#188
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Traveling
Country: UK
Location: Alderholt
Occupation: Aerospace
Boat name: T/T D2S
Boat make: Midas 27' Cat, Argo 16 Cat. Avon Rib Thingy
Engines: Merc 280-ROS -JSRE,65Xs, 75 Stinger, Yam 60
Cruising area: Any Seedy Bar
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Alderholt
Posts: 4,225
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Were Closing In
__________________
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Team25Racing.com
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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17-06-2009, 10:23 AM
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#189
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Registered User
Country: Scotland
Location: Kirkcudbright
Interests: Boats n Lambrettas
Boat make: Boatless
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Kirkcudbright
Posts: 978
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17-06-2009, 04:01 PM
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#190
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Registered User
Country: shropshire england.
Location: oswestry
Occupation: Retired
Interests: Yodelling
Boat name: Veni Vidi Vici or Conked
Boat make: G.P.14
Engines: 4h.p. Mercury
Cruising area: Cap de Agde
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: oswestry
Posts: 1,311
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Exercise For Over Fifties.
Start by finding a flat surface at least 10ft in diameter,take two 5kg potatoe sacks,one in each hand,lift up and keep arms outstretched for as long as you can,at least a minute.Each day thereafter double the weight till you get to 80kg sacks(i am at this level now) and arms are now outstretched for a minimum of 5 minutes at a time,now put a spud in each sack.
__________________
when in doubt trim outCARPE DIEM
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17-06-2009, 11:10 PM
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#191
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Traveling
Country: UK
Location: Alderholt
Occupation: Aerospace
Boat name: T/T D2S
Boat make: Midas 27' Cat, Argo 16 Cat. Avon Rib Thingy
Engines: Merc 280-ROS -JSRE,65Xs, 75 Stinger, Yam 60
Cruising area: Any Seedy Bar
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Alderholt
Posts: 4,225
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How Bizzare is this?
__________________
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Team25Racing.com
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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18-06-2009, 10:39 AM
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#192
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Registered User
Country: SOUTH WEST UK
Location: WESTON SUPER MARE
Occupation: MERCEDES SALESMAN
Interests: POWER BOAT RACING
Boat name: BIG AIR
Boat make: PHANTOM 19
Engines: 200XS
Cruising area: BRISTOL CHANNEL
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: WESTON SUPER MARE
Posts: 792
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I think we are all gilty of some of these
Summer Classes for Men at
> THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
>
> REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
> By Friday, June 26th 2009
>
> NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
> OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
>
>
> Class 1
> How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
> Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
> Class 2
> The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
> Round Table Discussion.
> Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
> Class 3
> Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
> Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
> Class 4
> Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
> Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
> Class 5
> Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
> Examples on Video.
> Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
> At 7:00 PM
> Class 6
> Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
> Help Line Support and Support Groups.
> Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
> Class 7
> Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And
Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
> Open Forum
> Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
> Class 8
> Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
> Graphics and Audio Tapes.
> Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
> Class 9
> Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
> Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
> Class 10
> Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
> Driving Simulations.
> 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
> Class 11
> Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
> Online Classes and role-playing
> Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
> Class 12
> How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
> Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
> Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
> Class 13
> How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
> Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
> Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
> Class 14
> The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used.
> Live Demonstration.
> Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
> Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat,
and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!
************************************************** *************************
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18-06-2009, 03:18 PM
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#193
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Senior Member
Country: UK
Location: Devon
Occupation: Garage Proprietor
Interests: PowerBoat Racing
Boat name: If Only
Boat make: Bernico F3 OCR, Bernico Prototype Inboard, and some Ribs
Engines: Yamaha Pro V 115
Cruising area: UK, France
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Devon
Posts: 3,095
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10 Downing Street
London SW1
Dear People of the United Kingdom
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 40 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
Gordon Brown
__________________
If Only
National Outboard Immersed Propeller Mono Record 103mph
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26-06-2009, 04:49 PM
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#194
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Traveling
Country: UK
Location: Alderholt
Occupation: Aerospace
Boat name: T/T D2S
Boat make: Midas 27' Cat, Argo 16 Cat. Avon Rib Thingy
Engines: Merc 280-ROS -JSRE,65Xs, 75 Stinger, Yam 60
Cruising area: Any Seedy Bar
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Alderholt
Posts: 4,225
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A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'
__________________
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Team25Racing.com
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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26-06-2009, 04:49 PM
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#195
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Traveling
Country: UK
Location: Alderholt
Occupation: Aerospace
Boat name: T/T D2S
Boat make: Midas 27' Cat, Argo 16 Cat. Avon Rib Thingy
Engines: Merc 280-ROS -JSRE,65Xs, 75 Stinger, Yam 60
Cruising area: Any Seedy Bar
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Alderholt
Posts: 4,225
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What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?
The wife!
__________________
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Team25Racing.com
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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06-07-2009, 07:01 PM
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#196
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Traveling
Country: UK
Location: Alderholt
Occupation: Aerospace
Boat name: T/T D2S
Boat make: Midas 27' Cat, Argo 16 Cat. Avon Rib Thingy
Engines: Merc 280-ROS -JSRE,65Xs, 75 Stinger, Yam 60
Cruising area: Any Seedy Bar
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Alderholt
Posts: 4,225
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Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could... At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't."
__________________
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
Team25Racing.com
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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06-07-2009, 10:21 PM
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#197
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Registered User
Country: Guernsey
Occupation: Engineering
Boat make: None, boo!
Engines: Turbines mainly!
Cruising area: The inside of my workshop!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 2,646
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^^ PMSL!!
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14-07-2009, 05:51 PM
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#198
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Registered User
Country: England
Location: Hampshire
Occupation: Credit Crunched
Interests: Rally Driving
Boat name: Double 2 Shirts
Boat make: Planatec 41
Engines: 2x625's+ From Uncle Sam
Cruising area: Solent
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Hampshire
Posts: 2,522
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WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)..
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - silence - -
HUSBAND:
S**t ....
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20-07-2009, 10:42 PM
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#199
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Registered User
Country: UK
Location: Bournemouth
Occupation: Occupational Therapy Student
Interests: Boating, Clay Pigeon Shooting
Boat name: B92
Boat make: Bakdraft!
Engines: Yamaha 90!
Cruising area: Solent
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Bournemouth
Posts: 118
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My grandad always said there would never be a black president and if there ever was then pigs would fly.
What do you know Barack Obama is named president and a few months later..
'Swine Flu'
__________________
"My ship's not sinking and i'll tell myself i'm over you 'cause i'm the king of Wishful thinking"
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20-07-2009, 10:46 PM
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#200
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Registered User
Country: England
Location: Hampshire
Occupation: Credit Crunched
Interests: Rally Driving
Boat name: Double 2 Shirts
Boat make: Planatec 41
Engines: 2x625's+ From Uncle Sam
Cruising area: Solent
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Hampshire
Posts: 2,522
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wishful thinking
My grandad always said there would never be a black president and if there ever was then pigs would fly.
What do you know Barack Obama is named president and a few months later..
'Swine Flu'
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thats a good one
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