The Infamous joke thread

[NIC SURRY]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?


'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.


Jane explained to him what sex was.


Tarzan said ‘Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'


Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'


She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.


'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'


Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!


Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'


Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

[Hasbeen]

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has £500 left."

[Pash 1]

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.


Why does London have the most lawyers and Hull the most toxic waste dumps?
Hull had first pick.

An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school.
Mum, she asks tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex?
Don't be silly of course you can, replies her mother, where do you think lawyers come from?


How many lawyers to change a light bulb??
Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'The Lawyer', and the party of the second part, also known as 'The Light Bulb', do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ('Receptacle'), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable E.U, local and Governmental statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

[Hasbeen]

Two lawyers were walking along the beach, when they saw two gorgeous girls lying in the sand. One lawyer said to the other, "Hey, let's go over there and screw those two girls." The other lawyer replied, "Sure. Out of what?"

[Hasbeen]

Q: What do you get if you cross a lawyer with a drunk pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a drunk pig won't do.

[Budweiser]

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"
"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear."
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.
"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.
"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."

Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman in a playground

Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen toe?
A. A golf club.

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you.You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife s soul, your children s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what s the catch?"

[OCRDA]

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"


She says, "I'd take half then leave you."


"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6 now F*** off!"

[BluFin]

A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that?'



She replies: 'Because I really miss mine....................

[Pash 1]

[topgun]

Whats the difference between a prostitute and a Lawyer!!

At least the prostitute stops Fuc!!!**g you after your dead

[Pash 1]

Originally Posted by topgun

Whats the difference between a prostitute and a Lawyer!!

At least the prostitute stops Fuc!!!**g you after your dead

So does a Lawyer - unless you have assets

[Big Dutch]

I thought it was"The prostitute stops F....ng you when you run out of money !"

[Big Dutch]

Whats the difference between a Catfish and a Lawyer?
Ones a scum sucking bottom feeder
The others a Fish !

[Pash 1]

whats the difference between a Lawyer and a hooker?


Nothing....

We can both Fu*k you blind,
We can both Sh*g you senseless,
We both get paid for rendering the above services,
There is always a "Happy Ending"
And you leave "relieved"

[OCRDA]

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Brit are in a bar.


When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'


The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks the non-alcohol beer in his glass, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'



The Brit, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out his 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching his glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, he says, 'In Britain we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'





God Bless Great Britain

[larby]

Man walks into a bar with a Giraffe.

Giraffe gets drunk, falls over.

Barman says to the man... "you can't leave that lyin there"

"That's not a lion" says the man, "that's a Giraffe!"

[Carl_B]

Just come into some money..... Had a in my wallet

[timtap]

[Cookee]

Brad shuffled into the diesel shop staring at the dirty floor.







"I need my boat back. I'm sorry to have to tell you this," he
mumbled.







I looked around to the other mechanics. Nobody seemed to notice our
conversation.







"It's always been your boat". I responded not looking up.







"Yes, but I mean I need to move back onto the boat."







Brad was almost whining. I scratched my chin. Having Brad on the boat

would mean talking to him every workday and that would ruin my work

schedule.







"I'll be done working on your boat in six more weeks. You can move back on
then". I said flatly.







"I need to move on today. I'm terribly sorry. That won't affect your
timing will it?"







"Of course it will. I have both your engines out and half the boat tore

up. How could you possibly live inside that mess?" I snorted.







Brad looked rejected and remained silent.







"Besides I thought you had rented a house for the length of the
project".







Brad's eyes lowered. He leaned forward and in a whisper almost too silent to
hear said,







"I was thrown out".







I put my tools on the bench and gave Brad my full attention.







"You can't get thrown out. This is New Zealand, you have
rights".







"Well it was best that I left. I had a problem with a girl. Kind of
embarrassing you know".







Suddenly all work in the shop stopped. Roger magically appeared next to

me. Mac had turned from his bench listening in. I was instantly amazed

how a story about a girl can stop all work. Brad seemed embarrassed at

the newfound attention.







"Ok, now you got us. How did you get thrown out from your house for a
girl?" I demanded.







Brad remained silent. After a sufficient wait I turned and reached for

my air grinder and ear protection. If he was not going to tell his tale

I was going back to work.



Brad took a
deep breath.







"Ok, wait. You're really going to make me go through this?"







"It's just between us," I said.







Roger and Mac nodded.







"Just between us," they said in unison.







"Well, ok, but once you hear what happened you promise to let me move onto
my boat and still finish the project?"







"It's always been your boat," I relented.







Brad rubbed the back of his neck, and took a deep pained breath.







"I had nothing to do; you know you guys are not the fastest crew on the
block".







Roger looked hurt, but Brad just continued with his story.







"So, last night I went to the local bar and had a couple beers. It was

then I saw her. This cute little brunette. She was about five foot

four, with a taut muscular body. Man could that woman dress. For a

short girl her legs seemed to go on forever. Black high heels, tight

skirt, she was grand."







Mac had completely left his bench and was now crowding on top of Brad

visualizing the image of the cute brunette. Roger reached out and

gently pushed him back.







"Give the man some room. This story is just getting good". He
commanded.







Brad waited a few seconds before continuing.







"I was mesmerized with her figure. Just then she looked over at me. She

had the blackest eyes you could ever imagine. Oh, and her eyelashes,

they were so long. Not to mention the definition of her neck. I was in

love immediately".







We stared in disbelief.







"Ok, maybe I was in lust. Anyway she saw me and came straight over. I

bought her a drink, a white Russian. I then gave her the old 'I'm

British, sailed over here on my yacht' spiel and she was all over me. I

got her out on the dance floor and she was practically groping me. She

bumped and ground and breathed down my neck. It was great. I just

wanted her. You know the feeling". Brad was looking embarrassed.







We all nodded.







"You're amongst friends," I said.







"Back at my table we got close. I whispered in her ear and told her my

flat was close. I asked if she wanted to come back to my place for a

nightcap. It was then she told me".







Brad paused waiting for us to understand. We stood waiting.







"You know..." Brad trailed off making a rolling hand motion.



"Was she a guy?" Roger smirked.



"No, come on, jeese, you should have seen this girl. No she was, ah, well,
ah.. a pro".



"A pro?" I asked.



"Well, semi pro I think".



"Pro?" Mac repeated mispronouncing the word in his Indian accent.



"Professional, you know she wanted five hundred bucks to come home with
me".



"Ah..., a pro" we all said nodding our heads.



" So, What did you do?" Mac asked.



"Compared to what you lads are charging me to fix my boat five hundred

sounded cheap. Besides a little pay for sex is legal in New Zealand, so

I said live for the moment and took her home".



"Was it worth it?" Roger asked too soon.



"Right up to the point I was thrown out of my house it was". Brad
grinned for the first time that day.







Again we were all mesmerized.







"As soon as we entered my house she took over. The first thing she made

me do was take a shower. Not just a shower, but a special shower. She

had a big bag with her. She pulled out this anti bacterial soap that I

had to use. After my shower I was ready for her, but she was a clean

freak. She pulled out one of those little brushes the doctors use and

made me scrub my nails. She even inspected them after the wash. I kept

trying to pull her close but she told me to take my time and get clean.

'It will be worth it' she said".







We all looked at our dirty mechanics nails simultaneously. They would

not pass. Brad flashed his extra clean and neatly trimming nails for us

to see.







He continued on. "It was then I noticed she had my largest soup pan on

the stove and she was boiling a big pot of water. I went over and

looked in and the pot was not just full of water, she had filled it

with..." again Brad trailed off.







We all waited for clarification.



Brad stood perfectly still.







"Come on Brad, you have us spellbound. What was in the pot?" I
demanded.







Brad's eyes lowered. He glanced around the shop to see who might be listening
and then almost too low to hear he responded.







"Sex toys"



"Sex toys?" Mac repeated, his voice getting a high pitch ring at the
end.



"Ya, the pot was completely full of sex toys" Brad went on. "I

immediately told her I don't think I need to play with sex toys. She

just smiled and said it was my night and the price was the same, but

she had to sterilize the toys and the pot was beginning to steam. Well

you know I was living for the moment. Anyway we had a great night".

Brad beamed.







"Ya, tell us more" Roger prodded wanting more details.



"It was everything you can imagine and more. Come on guys, you have all
had wild nights."







Roger nodded his head, but Mac looked confused.



Brad proudly smiled as if the story was over.



We all nodded in slow unison.







"But how does this story explain getting thrown out of your house?" I
queried.



"Oh, ya, that part."







Brad seemed pained to continue.







"Well anyway about three in the morning our energy was spent. You know

I'm over fifty now. Not like you young bucks. I was worn out."







Roger suddenly looked proud, but Mac seemed to miss the compliment.







"We cuddled up and she put her head on my shoulder. It felt so good to

have her little body all wrapped around me. I dozed off in a blissful

sleep. You know she snored?"



"Snored? You're ruining my image of this girl", I said.



"Not a normal snore, but the most silent little snore. A cute snore",
Brad said with his hands clasped across his chest.



"A cute snore" we all said together, nodding and smiling at the
image.



"It was then things turned bad".







We perked up. The story was getting good.







"I woke with my little brunet shaking me wildly. Her nails were digging

into my chest. She was panicked and yelling at me. 'Wake up, wake up,

the house is on fire! We have to get out!' I opened my eyes and they

began to burn. My room was filled with smoke. I don't know how I had

slept through that. My lungs already ached. I could barely see the

streetlights outside my window".



"Fire? Smoke? What was happening?" Mac asked in his full Indian
accent.



"I did not know, I just knew I was on the second floor and if the fire

was burning in the first floor we were in trouble. Then I remembered

the house is built into a hillside. You know the ones over looking the

marina. Anyway the front of the house is two stories, but from the back

I can climb right out into the hillside. We took the back exit and ran

down the trail to the front of the house. By now the fire alarm was

going off and the landlord, who lives down stairs, along with a growing

number of neighbors were at the meeting place. You know how Kiwis love

to queue up at a meeting place?"







We nodded. It was true. Kiwis were very organized in matters of safety.







"I was now fully awake." Brad went on. "What could have started
a fire?

I held my little brunette under my arm and told her it would be ok. You

know, I was the man in an emergency". Brad's voice sounded like a man

in command.







"About then the fire trucks roared up the street followed closely by a

police car. I had figured out by now the bottom layer of the house was

not on fire. All the smoke was coming from my apartment. What could be

on fire in my apartment I kept asking myself. The firemen put on all

their gear, the face shield, the helmet, and the bottle of air. They

charged up the stairs and were gone for just two minutes. When they

came down I saw what they were carrying and I got a deep pain in my

gut".



"What were they carrying?" We all asked in course.



"They were holding a big soup pot!"



"Oh, no, not the soup pot. Did you forget to turn off the flame?" I
almost yelled.



"Not me, her! They were her toys. They had boiled dry and then melted down
and burst into flames!"



"Ahhh...no! What a mess!" I shouted.







"It gets worse" Brad said shaking his head. "As soon as this
short fat

cop saw the smoking pot he immediately thought I was cooking down some

type of drugs. He called in for back up. The call went out and

immediately the press who always monitor the police radio heard drugs

and they came running along with about eight cop cars. They had me

surrounded in just minutes. I was trying to tell them it had nothing to

do with drugs. That's when the firemen yelled over it was not drugs,

but dismembered body parts. The cops heard that and thought I was not

just a drug producer, but also a freak! They called the report over the

radio and asked for even more back up! More press showed up, more cops,

more emergency services. I told them, it's just harmless sex toys. 'Ask

her' I said pointing to my little brunet, but she was gone!"



"Gone?" we all asked.



"Sure, she ran as soon as she saw fireman with the soup pot. In her

place stood my landlord. Hands on his hips and he was enraged! You know

how Kiwis get when you ruin their apartments".



"Of course," I said trying to contain my laughter.



"They took my photo, the press got a photo of me surrounded by cops

trying to explain, and my landlord, oh, my landlord. He would not even

listen to my explanation. He simply said he did not care if I was

cooking drugs, or dismembering local body parts. I was to pack up and

get out of his house this very day".







We all stood in stunned silence.







"So, you see boys, I need to move back onto my boat. I swear I'll stay

in the forepeak as much as possible, just finish the project and let me

get out of this city".







Brad looked almost desperate.







"What do you think boys, can we finish the job with Brad onboard?" I
asked.







The team kicked at the ground and nodded in slow unison.







"I think that's a yes, as long as you promise to leave the soup pot with
your old landlord".







Brad nodded his agreement and Mac concealed a little giggle.







I looked toward the door and said "Now, I'm going to go get today's

paper. There just might be a story we'll all want to read about," I

teased.







Brad let out a small cough. He then reached into his pack and slowly pulled out
the morning Herald...

[timtap]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.


A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.


The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter.


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ar se and go as a toffee apple.