The Infamous joke thread - Page 13

OCRDA · 05-03-2010, 11:15 PM

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted,

"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you,
but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill..

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said

"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Chris Davies · 25-03-2010, 12:01 PM

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.
Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.
She spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke: "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the better of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.
Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

Ben · 06-09-2010, 11:02 PM

An old man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of modesty, and to keep from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walked past and said, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd tip your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so damn ugly it would tip itself."

Jon Fuller · 22-12-2010, 11:19 PM

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothing'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

jordaniel · 23-12-2010, 10:03 AM

If the rumours are correct, women have a certain 'spot' & if you hit this spot at exactly the right pace & angle, it will turn her to jelly & you will be able to do anything you want to her it's called her fookin CHIN

jordaniel · 23-12-2010, 10:08 AM

The lesbians next door gave me a rolex for my birthday. Very nice but i think they misunderstood when i said i wanna watch

Pennpromo · 23-12-2010, 01:15 PM

I thought this sounded good!
Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient.
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell
when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (Orville Redenbacher's Low Fat Is Best)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done.

MercJD09 · 05-01-2011, 12:34 AM

There was an old sailor from Wales,
An expert at pissing in gales;
From the top gallant spar, he'd piss in a jar,
Without even wetting the sails.

boatnut · 05-01-2011, 01:48 PM

a duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, have you any bread , the barman says no i havent got any bread, so the duck walks out, the next day the duck walks back into the bar and says to the barman, have you any bread, the barman says ,no i havent got any bread, so the duck walks out, the next day the duck walks back into the bar and says to the barman, have you any bread, the barman says, no i havent got any f-----g bread i told you yesterday, if i see you in here again, im gonna nail your f-----g beak to the bar, now piss off, the next day the duck walks back into the bar, and says to the barman, have you got any nails,the barman replies, no i havent got any nails, the duck then says, have you got any bread

larby · 05-01-2011, 07:32 PM

Classic!!

Cookee · 13-01-2011, 03:05 PM

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Cornish Guardian.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call 01272-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Truro RSPCA

DAREDEVIL · 17-01-2011, 02:19 PM

I ahve a good one,

" larby "

Paul E · 17-01-2011, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DAREDEVIL

I ahve a good one,

" larby "

Isn't it about time you pissed off? Everyone's sick of your crap, your supposed 'helpful' posts are just your typical big ego "I haven't read any of the details but I'M RIGHT" which is no good to anyone.

DAREDEVIL · 17-01-2011, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Paul E

Isn't it about time you pissed off? Everyone's sick of your crap, your supposed 'helpful' posts are just your typical big ego "I haven't read any of the details but I'M RIGHT" which is no good to anyone.

MMMMMMMUUUUUUUAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHH

Big Dutch · 17-01-2011, 06:00 PM

Ha Ha ha ha Ha Ha

Go on DD show us all your not the knob they all think you are-tell us a real joke,before the Guernsey boys fly out to sort you out with the blow torch and pliers.

Tick Tock the clock is running-your chance to redeem yourself.

Paul E · 17-01-2011, 06:11 PM

What's the difference between Roy Hodgson and Kenny Dalglish?

F*ck all by the looks of it...

larby · 18-01-2011, 07:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DAREDEVIL

I ahve a good one,

" larby "

Ugh, grow up.
Lets get this back on thread...

Blonde walks into a library....
Walks up to the lady at the desk and says loudly 'I'd like a burger with fries please!'
Lady at the desk smiles politely and points out that they are in a library
Blonde blushes, realising her mistake and quietly whispers...

'Sorry, I'd like a burger with fries please...'

Moose · 18-01-2011, 08:08 AM

What do you call a blond wearing a dark wig? Arificial Intelligence!

Ringmaster · 18-01-2011, 09:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Dutch

Ha Ha ha ha Ha Ha

Go on DD show us all your not the knob they all think you are-tell us a real joke,before the Guernsey boys fly out to sort you out with the blow torch and pliers.

Tick Tock the clock is running-your chance to redeem yourself.

Awwwww. Poor DD. He's still upset by the reply on steves p25.

I've got a good joke....... DD!

deerhound · 19-01-2011, 08:57 PM

I got home from the pub on saturday night, to find that my dog had eaten a condom. I phoned the Vet and explained that at 1.30 am my spaniel had eaten a condom. The vet replied that if the dog hadn't passed it after 24 hours, i should bring him in on monday for him to examine. Ten minutes later i phoned the vet again to apologise and inform him that i had found another one!!