The Infamous joke thread

[Captain Chaos]

No.9............I now know how to spell 'Allan Gavin' in chinky!

[Tony Davis]

Originally posted by Captain Chaos
No.9............I now know how to spell 'Allan Gavin' in chinky!

Hi ya No 10 !!!

[Captain Chaos]

perhaps i need half hour with your trainer

[Adam]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in
the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes
later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered quite violently once more.

Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was
still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her
body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to
the woman, and said,
I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three
times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I
have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an
orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still
curious. "I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

[Ben]

As a father was packing for a business trip, his 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said "Daddy look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy"s gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before rushing out of the room.

When he returned, his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers, her face awash with the look of devastation that only one who has suffered a great loss can exhibit.

"What's wrong, darling?" he asked with great concern.

She replied, "What happened to my bogey?"

[Adam]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return
trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board andhe had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Seamus,

"Any idea where we are?"

"Bejasus, I tink we ' re pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[Yabble]

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? Then at that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. "That's a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" “Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburettor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. Er, how many times a week will I have to do that?"

[Jon Fuller]

That's as old as the hills!

welcome to boatmad Yabble

[OCRDA]

Dont challenge this one !! Especially not on Jokes.

"YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED"

[Rupert Munro]

The boat was slowly sinking and one passenger remained on the deck praying. A lifeboat came along, "Quickly, jump in!" called the boatman. "No, i have faith in the lord. God will save me". The boat continued to sink and the passenger continued to pray. A helicopter came along and the winchman said "Grab the rope" "No" said the passenger "I have faith in the lord god to save me" The Chopper moved off. The boat continued to sink and the passenger continued to pray, when a speedboat came past "Quickly, jump in! the ship is about to sink" "No" Said the passenger "I have faith in god to save me" so the speedboat moved off. Eventually the ship sank and the passenger drowned. When the passenger arrived at the pearly gates, he asked St Peter if he could use the intercom. "Lord" he said, "I trusted you all my life, but you let me drown. I just cant believe it". "You can't believe it?" Said the lord. "And i sent you two ******* boats and a chopper!"

[gaunyersell]

This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the seventies.
Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes)
The irony of it is that they received not one complaint.
It must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds.
Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read;


<Rindercella >

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards.

One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when

Suddenly the clock struck twelve.

"Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.

This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[Carl]

classic

[Rupert Munro]

try telling that to someone

[Wayne Kerr]

Originally posted by OCRDA
Dont challenge this one !! Especially not on Jokes.

"YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED"

Oh my Gaud Yab's on board

"YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED"!!!!!

[Wayne Kerr]

Classic Tommy Cooper !

1. Two blondes walk into a building..... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round. "The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night'

[Rupert Munro]

Classic, always the best.

[Gav]

All the local curry houses are doing a new curry dish to raise money for the quake, its called CHICKEN BURY AUNTIE, SERVED WITH NAN DEAD AND POPA GONE!

[Gav]

newsflash....

due to the spread of bird flu, the irish have banned all hen nights!

[Gav]

Fancy Dress
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days >later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.


The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a f***ing toffee apple

[Captain Chaos]

Originally posted by Wayne Kerr
Classic Tommy Cooper !
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

One of my finest holiday moments, actually getting my mate 'stoopid' to ask the shop assistant where the camo-trousers were; as he couldnt see them. boy did we laugh

you cant beat cooper!