The Infamous joke thread

[Gav]

Originally posted by Captain Chaos
One of my finest holiday moments, actually getting my mate 'stoopid' to ask the shop assistant where the camo-trousers were; as he couldnt see them. boy did we laugh

you cant beat cooper!

i got my brother to take something to the counter in the pound shop and ask " how much is this please......"

[Captain Chaos]

yeh..........but the christter is thick as 2 short ones eh?

'stoopid' has got 10 gcse's, 3 A's & an Hons degree!

[Ben]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story: "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and I had sex with her in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[JamesM]

I went to the zoo at the weekend and all they had was a dog......

It was a shit zoo!!!

[Ben]

A woman says to the barman "Give me a double entendre."

So he gave her one.

[Wayne Kerr]

Doctor talking to George Best.
"Well George I've got some bad news & good news"

George said
"Whats the bad news"?

Doctor
"George you've only got an hour to live"

Besty
"Blimey, whats the good news"?

Doctor
"It's happy hour".

[Wayne Kerr]

Qantas Gripe Sheets

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that
has never had an accident. . Enjoy!


P: Left inside main tire almost needs
replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200
feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right,
and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a
hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[littlenige]

How much do cockney´s pay for their shampoo?

Pan ten.

[BluFin]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a gift cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he
had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full
English breakfast: Bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly-squeezed
orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five
quid for?"
"Well," said the blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day and that we should do something special for you.."
"I asked him what to give you. He said, F*** him. Give him a fiver." She
smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[mike k]

[BluFin]

After having their 11th child, an Essex couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Bloke said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a large firework and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Manchester, Liverpool, Bristol, Birmingham, parts of Kent, inner London, Newcastle , and anywhere in Wales or Australia.

[waybomb]

A Pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices a steering wheel hanging out of the Pirate's zipper.

bt - Pirate, I see you have a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper!

P - Aaargh, it's drivin me nuts.

[waybomb]

A man has a problem. His dick is hard, and no matter what he does, it won't go away. After a while, this becomes really painful. Being late at night, instead of waking his doctor, he heads over to the local Pharmacy. He walks in and there is a lady Pharmacist behind the counter.

m - Um, is there a man Pharmacist here?

p - No sire, but I assure you I can help. I am a Board certified Pharmacist and have been doing this for years. Whatever your issue is, I can help.

m - Well, I'm embarrassed as all hell, but my penis is swollen, it won't go down, and it hurts. Can you give me something for it?

p - Well, sir, you have what is known as a Priapism. I'll be right back, I have to check on something.

A few moments later, the Pharmacist comes out of the back room with another lady.

p - Well, sir, this is my sister. She is my partner in this business. We've talked it over - we'll give $500 and half the business.

[BluFin]

Police have today admitted that George Best was not in fact buried in Belfast last week and that in retrospect the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday morning might have been a mistake.

[Jon Fuller]

that's very funny!

[BluFin]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
Daughter-in-law lying on the couch totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
Daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left and went home. She undressed, showered, put
On her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and
laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there
so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.


















"Needs ironing!! "What's for dinner?"

[wasonlydoing10knts!]

Subject: Tax Man

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to carry out
an
audit of the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he
turned
to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you
do
with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo (flat bread eaten at Passover) purchases,
What
do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
back
to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of
matzo
balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could Fluster
the
know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on," what do you do with all
the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi:
"What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax
Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[Rogue Wave]

they say that the essence of good comedy is Timing and that one was certainly timely

[K9 racing]

There are 4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty
young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark
there's the sound of an almighty slap, when the train emerges from the
tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on
his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark
and she slapped him"

The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me
in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the
dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I
can slap that French **** again!

[Dellboy]

Bloke decides one day he s going to become a trappist monk.
He enroles at his local monastary to be told by the Cardinal that he must take a vow of silence and he could only utter two words every ten years.
Ten years drag and on his first visit to the Cardinal he breaks his vow to offer his two words -
'bed hard'
Sure enough a more comfortable bed replaces the old hard one and the years drag on in silence.
Another ten years go by and a second visit to the Cardinal. Again he breaks his vow of silence to utter the words -
'food crap'
Over the next ten years of silence the food improves in quality and quantity.
Another ten years go by in silence and again up before the Cardinal again the bloke utters -
I'm off................
The Cardinal replies -
'Thank fk for that, all you ve done since youve been here is complain'