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Old 11-08-2008, 10:05 PM   #141
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A true story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........

I have 2 dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the 'Winalot Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so, I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
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Old 11-08-2008, 10:12 PM   #142
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Black hurricanes

Got this one today just a copy & paste from the USA

Michael Fish would have a seizure if he heard this......

Black hurricanes....Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about.

A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Latisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.

I am NOT making this up! She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report. I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says... 'Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! 'Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!'
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Old 11-08-2008, 10:24 PM   #143
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Originally Posted by BluFin View Post
Got this one today just a copy & paste from the USA

Michael Fish would have a seizure if he heard this......

Black hurricanes....Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about.

A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Latisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal.

I am NOT making this up! She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report. I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says... 'Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! 'Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!'

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Old 12-08-2008, 06:58 AM   #144
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Guts and Balls - The Legal Distinction

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the Chaps, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the Chaps, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the backside and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Legally speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
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Old 21-08-2008, 07:19 PM   #145
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Gary Glitter spotted shopping in duty free
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Old 21-08-2008, 07:26 PM   #146
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John if I didnt know you better I'd say you were "Disturbed"

Here's one for you:

Whats pink and goes up and down in a pram??

Garry Glitters Arse!
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Old 21-08-2008, 07:31 PM   #147
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Historical coincidence?

History or Mystery

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday..
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.


John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839..
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.


Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A week before Lincoln was shot; he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot; he was with Marilyn Monroe.
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Old 21-08-2008, 08:15 PM   #148
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Two aliens landed in the countryside near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a nettle patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien? "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."
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Old 22-08-2008, 03:34 PM   #149
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GARY GLITTER RE-ARRESTED.........BREAKING NEWS

Class B drugs found in kitchen
Class A drugs in toilet/bathroom and
Class C in his bedroom ................................
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Old 23-08-2008, 06:28 PM   #150
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Some old...some new...

1. Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong - a tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like .... night.

5. Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. If you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, some idiot will try
to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those
who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he w ill eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight - a case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone - a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Old 16-09-2008, 07:30 PM   #151
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Watch this,
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Old 16-09-2008, 07:43 PM   #152
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Been on here before but still think this is funny as well
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Old 16-09-2008, 09:25 PM   #153
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Online dating

My application to join an online dating agency has been rejected.

One of the questions was 'What do you like most in a woman?'
















'My Dick' is not an appropriate answer! & rejected the application
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Old 16-09-2008, 09:33 PM   #154
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Tiger Woods'New Boat

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Old 16-09-2008, 10:42 PM   #155
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12. Give a man a fish and he w ill eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day, set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
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Old 17-09-2008, 12:10 AM   #156
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And then the fight started

After retiring,I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driving licence to verify my age.I loooked inside my pockets and discovered I had left it at home.
I told the woman I was very sorry and that i would go back home and return later that afternoon.
The woman said , 'Unbutton your shirt'
so I unbuttoned my shirt to reveal my silver curly hair..She then said 'That silver curly hair is proof enough for me' and processed my application.
When I got home I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office.

She Said.... You should have dropped your pants, you might have got disability too !!!!!

And then the fight started !!!!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school re-union and I kept staring at the drunken lady on the next table.
My Wife asked..'Do you know her ?'
'Yes 'I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend' , 'I understand she took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago'

'MY GOD' !!! My wife says, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long ? '

And then the fight started !!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I rear ended a car this morning, So there we were along side the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how some times you get sooo stressed and little things seem funny? Well yeah, well i could not believe it, he was a DWARF !!!

He stormed over to me and looked up and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY'

So I looked down at him and said. 'Well then,Which one are you then?

And then the fight started !!!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was standing Nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she sees and says to her husband...'I feel horrible, I look old, I'm fat and i'm ugly' I really need you to pay me a compliment.

The husband replies. ' Your eyesight is damned near perfect,

And then the fight started !!!!!
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Old 08-10-2008, 10:27 PM   #157
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YA, GOTTA LOVE HIM....A MUST READ...PLEASE DO YOURSELF A FAVOR...READ THIS!

The Plan!
?

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says 'I love New York ' in Arabic.


You gotta love Robin Williams......Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.

Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.'

1) 'The US will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good 'ole' boys', we will never 'interfere' again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere.' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

'The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' '

If you agree with the above forward it to friends...If not, and I would be amazed, DELETE it!!



NEED SIMILAR HERE TOO
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Old 11-10-2008, 03:30 PM   #158
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A vicar, booking into a hotel for the night says to the clerk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled". She replies "No Sir, it's just regular porn you sick bastard".
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Old 15-10-2008, 06:45 PM   #159
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this cracked me up....
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Old 15-10-2008, 07:42 PM   #160
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Apparently, this is the most popular screensaver in the US

If he gets stuck, just move him with your cursor.


http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgie.htm
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