The Infamous joke thread

[Ben]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral .....I'm a gynecologist'


The proctologist fainted

[Pash 1]

Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be 'dirty' - enjoy!


The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'


'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[BluFin]

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to be more English.


She is now an unmarried mother, with 3 kids, one of them black.

JOB DONE THEN!!!!!

[Pash 1]

I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[NIC SURRY]

> A man who just died is delivered to a local
> mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
> >
> >
> >
> > The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's
> wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does
> look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
> >
> > The widow, however, says that she always thought
> her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
> She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and she says, 'I don't care
> what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
> >
> >
> >
> > The woman returns the next day for the wake. To
> her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a
> subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .
> >
> >
> >
> > She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost,
> I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How
> much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her
> with the blank cheque.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'There's no charge,' she says.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of
> that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost
> nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
> brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an
> attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
> wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as
> he looked nice.'
> >
> >
> >
> > 'So I just switched the heads.'
> >
> >
> >
> > (BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

[Pash 1]

mmmmmmmmmmmmm

[Wayne Kerr]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother.
'The f*cking dance is called the Twist!'

[OCRDA]

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in
case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through
the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

[OCRDA]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

[weehenry]

murphy the irish man was sitting in a hotel bar in london drunk again as
the bar man shouts last orders.
about 20 mins later murphy gets up an says stick a na we wiskey in that there ye boy ye
the bar man replys sorry the bar is closed
murphy says ill tell ye about it ye boy ye if ye dont stick a na wee wiskey in in that glass ill wreck er
the barman says you will do no such thing you break one thing in this bar an ill call the police and have you arrested

then this big guy comes from the back of the room an says excuse me sir there is no need for violence if you want more wiskey come up to my room as i have a full bottle

murphy says hi your a real gentleman , your more like the people i left back home
so off they went to the room . the big guy hands murphy the wiskey and says there you go sir drink up im going to my bedroom but ill be back in a minuite
ten minutes later the big guy comes out of the room wearing a schoolboy outfit and a whip
an says to murphy in his little queer voice
murphy ive been a bold boy today
murphy says, ye wah yer not a bold boy atall yer a real gentleman giving me a bottle a wiskey
he says you dont understand ive been a bold boy I DIDENT GO TO SCHOOL TODAY
you must beat me with that whip
murphy says ye boy ye i coulden find it in my heart ta touch ye after you giving me a bottle a wiskey
but just this once says murphy if ye insist
so the big guy bends over an murphy gives him a wee tap with the whip
the big guy says harder , murphy taps again
the big guy pulls the wiskey from murphy an says , sir if you want more wisker you must really beat me
Murphy cut the shite out of him an left him lying in the corner in a pool of blood finishes his wiskey and heads down the stairs
murphy meets the night proter in the hall way the porter says are you ok there mr murphy . murphy says why woulden a be
the porter says thats a very dangerouse thing you done there that man is a wee bit queer ye know
Murphy says houl on a we minuite here i dunno who he is or what he is but a know one thing
HE WILL GO TA HIS SCHOOL THE MARA

[andy21]

1 of the reasons men are not agony aunts...


Dear Roger,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile
down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's
daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down
and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six
months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant
six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed
and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the
ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling
and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila




Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none
of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope
this helps, Roger

[BluFin]

When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wondered why?
















Because she smells like a new car

[BluFin]

Thought I capture a market and make a few quid So I went a bought 400 2009 Jade Goody calendars . Bit of a con though they only go up to May

[larby]

^^ LMFAO!!!

[Burty]

13 year old dad Alfie Pattern has joined fathers for justice. He doesn't understand the politics but he already has the spiderman outfit

[Pash 1]

He thought he was petting a dog

And at 15 to have had more pricks than a second hand dart board ........ Our Tax will be paying for her to lay on her back for the rest of her life....

[BluFin]

Sometimes you find a web site that if & when you try it you will burn in Hell

use the menu on the left as well

[Moose]

Andy and Rupert, a pair of Siamise twins, were being interviewed by a local newspaper reporter upon them having reached their 18th birthday. Inevitably they got onto the subject of sex and how/if it was possible, and whether it was with or without the twin being apart of it. Andy said that to date it wasn't as complicated as it might sound, however, he had recently discovered that his brother was gay, and that he had invited his boyfreind round for dinner that evening. The reporter, picking up on Andy's anxious tone, enquired as to what was so different about tonight to 'other' encounters. It's simple said Andy - I'm the one with the arsehole!!!!!!

[BluFin]

One of those daft Internet pics that poses a few questions



biggest problem would be you laughing when she realised

[BluFin]

Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling Increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila







Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Walter