The Infamous joke thread

Jon Fuller · 10-09-2005, 11:39 AM

I'll start:

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Ben · 10-09-2005, 06:04 PM

A gentleman stops into a pub as he has done for years with his three ducks in tow.

They arrange themselves on the barstools and the gentleman excuses himself to use the loo.

To break the awkward silence the barman asks the first duck "What is your name and how was your day?"

"Huey" the duck replies "and I've had a marvellous day. Had a very pleasant walk and I was in and out of puddles for hours."

The barman asks the second duck the same question. "Dewey is my name and my day was fantastic. I was in and out of puddles since early this morning."

"And I guess your name is Louie" says the barman to the third duck.

"No, my name is Puddles and don't ask me how my day has been!"

JBP · 10-09-2005, 07:06 PM

It was the happiest day of his life!!!!!

As the man walked into the church

His wife was waiting at the alter.

The man walked up the aisle.

As the man got to the alter he turned and kissed his wife on the cheek.........

then closed the lid

Brambles · 10-09-2005, 08:56 PM

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvellous," says the ringmaster, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah," says the duck, "sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the f*ck do they want with a plasterer?"

Ben · 12-09-2005, 09:59 PM

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench.

A man comes by in a trench coat, stops in front of the three old ladies and exposes himself as he opens up his coat.

The first old lady has a stroke.

The second old lady leans forward and she too has a stroke.

The third old lady had short arms and couldn't reach.

mike k · 13-09-2005, 02:09 PM

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline . . .

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

_- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

_- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

_- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

_- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

_- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

_- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

_- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

_- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

_- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

_- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

_- If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

_- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

_- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

_- If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.

_

Gav · 13-09-2005, 08:55 PM

Who was the last person to f*ck an Aussie and bring back the Ashes?

Paula Yates

michaelcaine · 14-09-2005, 12:45 AM

3 men on a deserted island,been there for 3 yrs,one day man no1 says"ive had enough of this,im gonna walk round the other side of the island"he goes off.after 4 hrs of walking he finally gets there,sitting on a rock in the sea he spies a mermaid."hello" he says,"whats your name"?"hello"she says"im a mermaid"."have you every been kissed before"? says man no1,no she replies.so for the next hour he passionatly kisses her.
when he returns he tells his 2 mates all about it,man no2 thinks to himself,im up for that tomorrow!!!
the next day man no2 sets off,he gets to the rock and sure enough there she is,"hello"he says,"whats your name"?"hi"im a mermaid"."have you ever had your tits rubbed"?says man no2,"no"she says.so for the next hour hes rubbing he tits,wax on wax off,you get the picture!!
when he returns he tells the other two all about it,man n03 thinks im gonna try that tomorrow.
next day man no3 sets off,again he reaches the rock,"hello" he says"whats your name"?im a mermaid she replies,"have you ever been fuc**d before"? no she says.
well you are now the tides gone out!!!!says man no3

dont ask me to re-type that for gods sake!!!!

Megalomaniac · 14-09-2005, 09:38 PM

I just heard on the news that the government are building a new monument in london right by the thames in the shape of a giant wheel which they are going to dedicate to Mary Poppiins

Its going to be called
the London um-didle-iddle-iddle-um-didle -eye

(sorry)

Ben · 15-09-2005, 02:32 PM

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new elelctric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying:

"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause
this is the last stop! All you sons of bitches who are getting
on, get your asses on the train cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son: "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say:

"All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will travel with us again soon."

Then she heard her little darling continue: "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added: "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

michaelcaine · 15-09-2005, 03:13 PM

:
thats a good one!!

drain:

Gav · 16-09-2005, 12:35 PM

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseparable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
So, now if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but everyone on the Schitt list!

BluFin · 16-09-2005, 03:01 PM

One of my kids has just been to a Musluim Girls birthday party

I've never seen anybody play pass the parcel so fast

Gav · 16-09-2005, 05:39 PM

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches. That fish will jump for the fly and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time ~ "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich. Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is in serious danger.

critter · 16-09-2005, 06:26 PM

A Flea goes to Heaven
A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.

*SP:* "Have you thought about it? Do you know how you'd like to spend the rest of eternity?"

*Flea:* "Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I'd like to spend the rest of eternity on the back of a rich lady's dog."

*SP:* "So be it, it's done."

A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.

*SP:* "Flea, how are you doing?"

*Flea:* "Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I have a headache from the smell."

*SP:* "Well you know that you aren't supposed to get more than one choice on how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy. Have you thought about what else you might like to do?"

*Flea:* "Oh yes St Peter! I have thought about it and I'm sorry I didn't bring it up before, I'd like to spend it in Willie Nelson's beard."

*SP:* "So be it, it's done."

Out of curiosity St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later.

*SP:* "Hello flea, how are you doing now?"

*Flea:* "I'm sorry St. Peter, I'm not doing well at all. I get waked up in the middle of the night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that flies around. It's Hell, St. Peter, I'm miserable!"

*SP:* "You know, flea, you're not supposed to be able to change your mind about how you spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is 'Hell', have you considered what else you might like to do?"

*Flea:* "Oh St Peter, YES! I HAVE thought about it and I have decided that I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's
bush"

*SP:* "So be it, it's done

Not being able to stand his curiosity ST. Peter decided to check on the flea again after a few weeks.

*SP:* "hows it going flea?"

*Flea:* "Oh hi ST. Peter, well, it's kind of strange... You see there was this big party. There was lots of singing and dancing, i got bounced around alot and there was this weird smoke in the air that made me dizzy. There were hands all over me and i don't quite remember all that happened, but would you believe it? I'am back in Willie Nelson's beard!"

Ice Kiddie · 16-09-2005, 11:18 PM

A horse, a donkey, a duck, a goose, a fish, a flea, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a cowboy, a black man, a chinaman, a white man, and a pice of string walk into a bar.

The barman says "Ok what f'kkn joke's this then?"

critter · 18-09-2005, 05:32 PM

A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a law enforcement officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the officer.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

The Officer says, "Have a nice day."

Moral of the story: Don't mess with a woman who reads. She may also be able to think.

Gav · 21-09-2005, 08:44 PM

Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman in a pub.

Englishman says "My wifes just paid £50 for a hair cut and never goes out!!"

Scotsman says " My wifes just bought a car and cant even drive!!"

"Thats nothing" says the irishman......" My wifes just gone on holiday with 150 condoms and she hasnt even got a cock!!!!"

Rogue Wave · 22-09-2005, 12:12 AM

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila, not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too," and drives off.

Jon Fuller · 30-09-2005, 01:01 PM

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES...

1) That's not right..........................Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?............Hu Yu Hai Ding?
3) See me ASAP...............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man................................Dum Gai
5) Small Horse...............................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?..................Wai Yu So Tan?
7) I bumped into a coffee table..............Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift..............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here....................Wai So Dim?
10) I thought you were on a diet.............Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone..................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight.....................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile.............Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive..............Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great....................................Fu Kin Su Pah