.....wife or a Scotsman..
So my wife says… “Do you fancy a nice, quiet, romantic weekend away?”…. “With you?” says I…… Well… after I’d picked myself up and taken the ice pack off my chin.. I realised that it wasn’t a terribly good idea to make fun of my beloved when she was having one of her “hormonal moments”… Anyways… she books a weekend break at a hotel on the far eastern shore of Loch Lomond for our anniversary. “Great” thinks I…. Lazy days in front of the roaring log fires and evenings spent drinking the odd whisky and swapping stories with our fine Celtic hosts… How wrong can you be? “Pack your walking boots, Dear” says she…….
Now, I confess, that since I stopped playing Rugby, lifting weights and ……. quite frankly….all other forms of exercise, I have become a little on the large side…. I know… I know…. Reduce the amount of exercise… reduce your calorie intake.
Trouble is… I LIKE food… and beer…. Ho-hum.
So, off we go to the Rowardennan Hotel… flight to Glasgow and a short hire car drive to the Hotel… easy-peasy…. and cheap if booked in advance…… arriving at the hotel I was a little bit dubious as the sign made the place look like it was going to be a bit “Fawlty Towers”, if you know what I mean…. on being welcomed into the lobby, all fears were dismissed… a more genuinely welcoming hotel environment I have yet to come across. Saturday morning was taken up with a strenuous…well it was for me… hike up through the forest and onto the slopes around the Loch… fabulous… absolutely bloody marvellous… not a soul did we see …..Buzzards soaring in cold, crisp skies are a sight to take your breath away… I was transfixed….
Saturday afternoon? Well.. what can I say about Saturday afternoon? Imagine the scene, if you will….. The only Englishman in a room full of Scots, ready to watch the Rugby… I was feeling pretty confident… need I say anymore?
The result of that humiliating experience and not a little sorrow drowning resulted in me saying something very rash…
“Have you no walked the Ben?” enquired our…by now very friendly and somewhat inebriated….. Scots barman…..
“The Ben? “
“Aye… the Ben!… Ben Lomond?… The wee hill behind you? “
“Ah…” says I… “We’re going to do that tomorrow before lunch”
Did I say I have become somewhat out of condition?…. it started off very well…. and then went horribly wrong….. imagine climbing an uneven staircase….. now try imagining that staircase made from extremely icy and uneven rock… now imagine that staircase is three miles long…….. and you’re carrying a rucksack… and the wind chill is making the outside temperature about minus 10… do you get the picture? I struggled to get as far as I did…. In fact I’m remarkably pleased to have climbed… well staggered, technically… to the snow line before setting off back down.
On return to the hotel I had to have a very long and hot bath before I could stagger into the bar for a bracing drink or three…. Just over four hours there and back… I was quite chuffed….so Mr Barman… I’ve done it but it was bloody hard…… how do you find it?
“Me?”… “Dannae be so soft, laddie…. What would I want to be doing climbing up that rock..?”
Bastard……..
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