Funnies

[GD1]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last f**king white man to be called Winston!'

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'F**king hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ass?' ' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger todger than your brother'

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
The McCartneys
But really we shouldn't make fun of Macca.
After all will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?