The Infamous joke thread

[NIC SURRY]

Black Testicles


A male patient is lying in bed


in the hospital,


wearing an oxygen mask over his


mouth and nose,


still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure


A young student nurse appears to give him a


partial sponge bath.


Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my


testicles black?'


Embarrassed, the young nurse replies


'I don't know,Sir.


I'm only here to wash


your upper body.'


He struggles to ask again,


'Nurse, are my testicles black?'


Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,


she overcomes her


embarrassment and sheepishly


pulls back the covers...


She raises his gown, holds his


penis in one hand and his


testicles in the other,


lifting and moving them


around and around gently.


Then, she takes a close look and says,

'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong


with them, Sir !!'


The man pulls off his oxygen mask,


smiles at her and


says very slowly,


'" Thank you very much. That was


wonderful, but listen very, very closely.......




A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -


b a c k ? "

[Renegade]

Q. What's white yellow and blue and usually found hanging from a pole? A. A lidl carrier bag.

[jordaniel]

Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the best blow job of his life. After it he asks... we havnt had sex for six months and suddenly this! why? She answers.. i just washed the floorthis morin. Id rather brush my teeth than clean that fooking floor again

[sinkunit0]

poor jack tweedy going to prision so soon after the heart wrenching loss of his wife ,on the upside at least he will be having sex with skinheads again.

[Mark Wildey]

Apparently that South African athlete failed the urine test as she couldn't get her dick in the bottle!

[jordaniel]

a nun gets on a bus thats empty except for the driver. she says ''im going to die soon, but i want sex before i do, but i must remain a virgin so it must be anal and i cannot commit adultery so the man must be single. Can you fulfill my wish?''

''yes'' says the driver and fulfills her wish. Then feeling guilty the driver says ''im sorry i lied, im married with three kids''.

''thats okay'' said the nun ''i lied too, my names Dave and im going to a fancy dress party''

[ufix1]

Here's one :

Children in the back seat cause accidents ... accidents in the back seat cause children

[BigBird1964]

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[BigBird1964]

This is supposed to be the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

- Please change your direction 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

- Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

- This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

- No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

- THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

- This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Will #333]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, theres an ad for Bear Removers. He calls the number, and the bear remover says hell be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. Hes got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the bewildered homeowner asks.

"Im going to put this ladder up against the roof, then Im going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

"Uh huh" the homeowner says. "But whats the shotgun for?"

"Well," the professional says as hands the shotgun to the homeowner, "if the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog"

[Will #333]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

[Chris Davies]

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: £2.00

HAMBURGER: £2.25

CHEESEBURGER: £2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: £3.50

HAND JOB: £50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs:

"Yes sir that would be me.”

The old golfer leans closer and whispers softly into her left ear, "Well, Honey... please makes sure you wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."

[Chris Davies]

A farmer decided that he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
The guy in ticket booth asks him, “Sir what is that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer says “That’s my pet cockerel called Chuck, wherever I go Chuck goes.”

“I’m sorry sir” said the guy in the booth, “we can’t allow animals into the cinema.”

So the old farmer went back to the car park and stuffs Chuck down his overalls. He then returns to the cinema, buys a ticket and goes through to watch a movie.

He finds a seat next to two old widows called Mildred and Marge. As the film starts the cockerel begins to squirm so the old farmer un-zips his overalls so that Chuck can stick his head out and watch the movie.

“Marge,” whispered Mildred.

“What?” said Marge?

“I think the guy next to me is some kind of pervert.”

“What makes you think that?” asked Marge.

“He has just undone his overalls and he has his thing out” whispered Mildred.

“Well don’t worry about it” said Marge, “At our age we’ve seen them all.”

“I thought that too” said Mildred “But this one’s eating my popcorn.”

[larby]

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said,
"Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

“There's something wrong with my dick”, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said,
“You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. “
“Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.
The Receptionist replied;
“Now you have caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”
The man replied,
“You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone"
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
“Yes??”
“There's something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”
“I can't piss out of it,” he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!

James

[OCRDA]

A 16 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?'

At this point, the girl’s father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him................





















"You shag her again."

[NIC SURRY]

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.


Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again.. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

No, she says,

they're all in the Land Rover,

and one of them is beeping the horn.

[jordaniel]

was in tescos today with two full trollies of booze & shopping when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.

she only had a pint of milk, so i said is that all you have got ?

she replied "yes"

so i did the decent thing & said if i were you I'd fook off to another till as im going to be ages

[Burty]

marriage guidance councillor says to couple ' tell me something you have in common' after a long silence the husband answers ' well neither of us sucks cocks'!

[Burty]

3 blokes chatting,
1st bloke says 'women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive'
2nd bloke says 'thats nothing, my wife's on a diet and she's not even fat'
3rd bloke says ' thats feck all my wife's taken 30 condoms to benidorm and she hasn't even got a cock'!!

[jordaniel]

Man sits next to a guy with a dog on a plane & asks is he a guide dog? No i'm a drugs officer, hes a sniffer dog, watch this & says to the dog "search"

The dog gose off, and comes back and puts one paw on the guys lap. "Herion" the guy says and makes a note of the passenger.

The dog comes back again and puts two pwas on the guys lap "coke" the guy says and makes a note of the passenger.

The dog comes back again and shits all over the seat ! whats that then the 1st guy asks. Guy replies

HE'S FOUND A FOOKING BOMB