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Old 21-02-2011, 01:43 PM   #261
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"Suicide Bombers to go on Strike"

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to
in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to
produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda
announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive
after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The
rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of
suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers union, the British Organization
of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this
was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally
working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much
in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of
modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

"Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins
in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and
laying people off. “I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell
3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales
and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect
their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down
to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims
know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
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Old 22-02-2011, 01:17 PM   #262
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muslim turn around

Years ago the Muslim women had to walk ten paces behind the men so that everybody could see exactly who was in charge.

On a recent trip to the country a reporter noticed that now the women are walking ten paces ahead of the men.

The reporter asked one of the men the reason "is this equality in your religion"

The Muslim man looked confused and said no- LAND MINES
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Old 22-02-2011, 01:21 PM   #263
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non religious joke (apart from welsh)

Three bikers arguing in a welsh fast food joint just as to how to pronounce the very long name of where they were (you know the one)

After about 15 minutes one of the bikers called over the waitress and said "can you tell us very slowly and very clearly exactly where we are".

The waitress said "certainly- BUUUUURRRRRGGGGEEEERRRR KKKKIIIIINNNNGGGG"
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Old 22-02-2011, 08:07 PM   #264
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snowman joke

2 snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other one, ear , can you smell carrots
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Old 23-02-2011, 11:40 PM   #265
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Paddy gives 36 red roses to his wife.Thrilled she undresses, lies down, spreads her legs and says, "This is for the roses!""Why?" Paddy asked. "Haven't we got a vase?"
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Old 24-02-2011, 03:15 PM   #266
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This is yet to be confirmed by scientific evidence. However, if the rumours are correct women have a certain 'spot',

and if you hit this spot at exactly the right pace and angle, it will turn her to jelly and you will be able to do anything you want to her.

It's called her f**king chin!
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Old 10-03-2011, 09:48 AM   #267
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Not sure if this has been on before - it's a real classic!

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

* I had no control over the drooling.

* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

* I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
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Old 10-03-2011, 01:05 PM   #268
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Hehe, very funny.
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Old 13-03-2011, 07:11 AM   #269
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
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Old 14-03-2011, 09:54 PM   #270
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Good one from OSO!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl.
"My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!!, but before she could say "FUK!," the Rottweiler ate her!
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Old 16-03-2011, 12:59 PM   #271
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> A group of 40-year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
>
>
> Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because
> the waiters there had tight pants and nice asses.
>
>
> 10 years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
>
> Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because
>
> the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.
>
> 10 years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch..
>
> Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because
>
> they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
>
>
> 10 years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
>
>
>
> Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because
> the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and had an elevator.
>
>
> 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
>
> Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because
> they had never been there before.
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Old 16-03-2011, 01:00 PM   #272
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The Kings new speech therapist

Over in England , a very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her
“Stammerers Action Group”.
She’d tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without flutter, the name of the town where you were born
I’ll have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. It was a sight to see.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said





"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
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Old 16-03-2011, 01:01 PM   #273
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Socrates

Socrates and gossip



Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife
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Old 11-04-2011, 11:11 AM   #274
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After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling.


When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.


Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open her blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed them passionately.


With a side glance at her husband, he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondles her wildly while her husband Mark watches with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.


Jacqueline flushed, tries to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze.


The therapist turned to Mark and said, "Now do you understand? This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
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Old 15-04-2011, 04:36 AM   #275
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A real woman

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...




No wait.................Sorry.




I'm thinking of gin. It's gin that does that.

Never mind.
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Old 26-04-2011, 10:49 PM   #276
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I got stopped outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard. "What grooming products do you use?", she asked.You should have seen the look on her face when I said "Facebook, Haribo & puppies".
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Old 27-04-2011, 08:55 AM   #277
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here's one:

Just had some really bad news. My Thai girlfriend has testicular cancer.
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Old 27-04-2011, 09:19 PM   #278
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Old 27-04-2011, 09:43 PM   #279
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cookee View Post
Not sure if this has been on before - it's a real classic!

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

* I had no control over the drooling.

* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

* I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Priceless, good job
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Old 28-04-2011, 11:10 AM   #280
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Country: united kingdom
Location: Southend on Sea
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Boat name: motorvator
Boat make: Revenger San Marino / Sunseeker Camargue 46 / Phantom 18/19/600
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Join Date: Nov 2006
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Originally Posted by Tony Davis View Post
I got stopped outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard. "What grooming products do you use?", she asked.You should have seen the look on her face when I said "Facebook, Haribo & puppies".

They reckon one in six people live next door to a peadophile....








Not me I live next door to two cracking 12 year olds.
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