The Infamous joke thread

[larby]

[Keanaz]

Bubba is driving down a back road in Georgia.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord a'mighty," he says to himself,
"Thems my three favorites!"


Keanaz

[Keanaz]

What the TV coverage DIDN’T show!
Just heard from a royal wedding reporter mate the director was asked to avoid a disturbance near Hyde Park where during the wedding, a man was driving a large tractor up and down and yelling through a megaphone, “the end of the world is upon us. The end of the world is nigh!”. The police arrested him eventually - turns out it was just Farmer Geddon.


Keanaz

[Adam]

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't
get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

[larby]

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy...."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's scrxwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

[DAREDEVIL]

Last year we had 2 lesbians move next door.. so i went over to welcome them into our neighborhood and brought them some nice flowers.
My birthday was coming up and i invited them over, so before i left they asked me what i wanted for my 40th birthday and i said .. WATCH !!!

So on my birthday i got a new SEIKO.. mmmhhhhh , not what i had in mind .. but oh well !

[The Docta]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in court getting a divorce. Judge says to mickey, "I'm sorry but I cannot grant you a divorce on the grounds that Minnie has bucked teeth"
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Mickey says "I didn't say she had bucked teeth.... I said she was f*cking goofy"

[Big Dutch]

Originally Posted by The Docta

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in court getting a divorce. Judge says to mickey, "I'm sorry but I cannot grant you a divorce on the grounds that Minnie has bucked teeth"
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Mickey says "I didn't say she had bucked teeth.... I said she was f*cking goofy"

Aha the old ones are the best
Of course nowadays Goofy would deny all knowledge !

[DAVE]

And Mickey would be subject to a Gagging Order....

[MNiven]

Once upon a time there was a non conforming sparrow that decided not to fly South for the winter;

But soon it got too cold and reluctantly he spread his wings and began his journey, a short while into his journey it got so cold ice formed on his wings and sparrow fell from the sky;

Landing in a farm yard semi unconscious and thinking this was the end a cow came past and just to add insult to injury crapped on little sparrow. It turns out the cow crap was warm and actually thawed Sparrows wings, warm and happy Sparrow began to chirp and sing....

On hearing the noise the farm cat came to investigate, cleared away the crap and ate the Sparrow....

NOW THE QUESTION IS; WHAT IS THE MORAL OF THE STORY....

1. Someone who craps on your head is not necessarily your enemy

2. Someone who helps you out of the crap is not necessarily your friend

3. If you are warm and happy and in the crap, keep your mouth shut..............

[MNiven]

Originally Posted by DAVE

And Mickey would be subject to a Gagging Order....

If Mickey was British he would file for a "Super injunction"

[Big Dutch]

Injury and accident insurance claim adverts are bollix.
When next door's daughter cut herself on our fence they told me to take some pictures of her gash and now I'm the one who ends up in f**king court !

[andy21]

Why don't lesbians cook?


Because they prefer eating out...

[Rebel Skier]

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off- duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto: 'We love to fly and it shows.'

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world.'

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations.'

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f**k do you want?!'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "Ryanair.

[deepvee]

The teacher says to little johny " if you have five sweats, and abdul asks you for one, how many sweats will you have left" little johny replies,
"five miss"

[Moose]

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He did, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

Paddy's in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What on earth you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I know" says Paddy "I tried dat but I couldn't breathe".
----------------------- ------------ ------------------------

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards
‘cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
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[Big Dutch]

Fabio Capello
Not the first Italian to jump off a sinking boat.

[Rebel Skier]

a new desert has been created, laced with viagra.

apparently it is to be called stiffy cocky pudding!

[DAVE]

Best combination for a good nights sleep on a boat....

Horlicks and Viagra....

Horlicks help you sleep...and the Viagra stops you rolling out of bed....

[Big Dutch]

They have just announced the invention of Viagra eyedrops.


They don't do much but it makes you look hard !