The Infamous joke thread

[OCRDA]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
> Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy"
> Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
> Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
> "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
> He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!"
> He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
> He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
> He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls
> flat on his face.
> "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
> He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
> He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
> He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.
> The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
> Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
> "Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[mike k]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,
"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"


"Very good," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."


The next day the girl came skipping home from
school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today,
and All the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,
b, c, d, e, f, g!"


"Very good," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."


The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she


yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat
chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of
36Cs.


"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"


..





"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

[Dellboy]

Bloke in his local and orders a drink from the barHe spots a notice on the end of the bar saying 'Talking Dog for Sale'

He asks the barman if he can see this talking dog and is pointed to a back room where the dog is working away on a computer.

As the bloke comes in the room he as astonished with the spectacle and asks 'the barman tells me you re a talking dog' ?

'Yes I am' replies the dog

'That s amazing but I see you re for sale'

'Correct' replies the dog

'Then why are you for sale' askes the bloke

'Well its like this', the dog replied, 'When I left the SAS on bomb duties I went to Heathrow and took employment as a sniffer at the Customs and Excise department, after a couple of years at that it stood me in good stead for a job in the Security Services. I left that job a few weeks ago and took a job here looking after the pub as a guard dog'

The bloke thought for a second and returned to the barman.

'That dog you have for sale........how much do you want for it' ?enquired the bloke.

'A tenner'!

'A tenner, is that all, why so cheap'?

Replied the Barman...........'cos he 's a fkg liar !!!!

[Dellboy]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort
of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I
thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses
eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner
picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth....


Can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the
dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth.' he says 'Now...can I
see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and
shoves his head deep inside the horses fanny . He holds him there for a
couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that... .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ............



Can I see her wun wound?"

[BluFin]

THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT. . .

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the
night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died
some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just
laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
that's when I shot the little bastard.

[BluFin]

Q: How do you keep your wife / girlfriend from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[Dellboy]

This bloke goes to the doctor with pains in his legs
Doctor tells him the bad news.
He s contracted a disease while on holiday in the Canaries and looking the disease up in the little used rare disease book the doctor concludes its the rare Yellow 24 disease.
Sorry says the doctor but you ve got only 24 hours to live.
Returning home to his wife the unlucky chap explains all about his yellow 24 desease and his 24 hours to live.He asks her if they should go out on the town and celebrate his short life.
She is shocked as you would imagine because its Bingo night.
She convinces him to go along to the Bingo with him where they play the evening out.

On the first call the unfortunate man forgets his Yellow 24 disease for a while as his numbers hit all four corners and a round of applause from the Caller
A second call goes out as he gets a line
A third call goes out as he joins the diagonal.
At that point the caller announces that the countries bingo halls are playing together for the full house in one big pot. The crowds are linked by video for the BIG £250 000 prize.

Bingo starts again and the chap manages the full house to cheers from his fellow players. He can t believe it as he is whisked up to the caller to present the cheque.
The caller ceremoniously hands him the cheque in front of the hall of expectant faces and congratulates the bloke but questions why he has such a sad look on his face after winning the big prize.
Distraught the man announces in front of the crowd he has Yellow 24

A voice in the back of the crowd shouts : He's only gone and won the fkn raffle too !!!!!!!

[BluFin]

Subject: FW: Female and male poems





FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen all day long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a rich deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs, tight body who owns a
liquor store and a Powerboat boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[Burty]

Irish Man went for an IQ test, in one of the questions he was asked to put the word "CONTAGEOUS" into a sentance. Thats easy says Paddy, I asked my mate to dig a hole and it took the CUNTAGEOUS

[mike k]

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously
gay
>> flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he
>> served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he
came
>> swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain
>> Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary
>> plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays,

>> that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that
a
>> well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
>> "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said,
"I
>> asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on

>> the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I
am
>> called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
>> To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well
sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up bitch."

[Burty]

Husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained "i have a headache"
Perfect her husband said i was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with asprin you can take it oraly or as a suppository the choice is all yours

[JamesM]

A Man walks into his living room and says to his wife "Put your coat on love, going down the pub" to which she replies "Hang on a minute then I'll just put some make up on" To which he replies " Why? Your not coming, I'm turning the heating off!!!"

[Burty]

Three sisters. Jannie, Annie and Fannie all had big feet with fannie's being the biggest. One morning Jannie and Annie were walking dowen the street when a man says my goodness you have big feet. Yes said Jannie but you should see the size of our Fannie's, they are enormous

[mamboking]

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big Showbiz party in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art.

There's a feast of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne.

Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar,

Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire"
and, over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book.
"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started.

How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the 'how's yer father'?"

"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?".

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says, "What the hell!"
and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work. Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and Michael Caine bursts in.

He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls.





(You're gonna love this...)























"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

[mike k]

A Riddle


George Bush meets with the Queen of England.
>
>
>
>
> He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
> government?
> Are there any tips you can give to me?"
>
>
>
> "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
> yourself
> with intelligent people."
>
>
>
> Bush frowns._ "But how do I know the people around me are really
> intelligent?"
>
>
>
> The Queen takes a sip of tea._ "Oh, that's easy._ You just ask them to
> answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her
> intercom.
> "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
>
>
>
> Tony Blair walks into the room._ "Yes, my Queen?"
>
>
>
> The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony._ Your mother and
> father
> have a child._ It is not your brother and it is not your sister._ Who
> is
> it?"
>
>
>
> Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty,
> that would be me."
>
>
>
> "Yes, Very good," says the Queen.
>
>
>
> Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same
> question._ "Dick, answer this for me._ Your mother and your father
> have a
> child._ It's not your brother and it's not your sister._ Who is it?"
>
>
>
> "I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."
>
>
>
> Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him
> an
> answer._ Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin
> Powell's shoes in the next stall._ Cheney shouts, "Colin!_ Can you
> answer
> this for me?
>
>
>
> Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your
> sister._ Who is it?"
>
>
>
> Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy._ It's me!"
>
>
>
> Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
>
>
>
> Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush._ "Say, I did some research
> and
> I have the answer to that riddle.
> It's Colin Powell."
>
>
>
> Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face,
> "No,
> you idiot!_ It's Tony Blair!"
>

[MikeyFIN]

Originally posted by mike k
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,
"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"


"Very good," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."


The next day the girl came skipping home from
school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today,
and All the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,
b, c, d, e, f, g!"


"Very good," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."


The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she


yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat
chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of
36Cs.


"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"


..





"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

In Finland change the Blonde to a Gypsie...because they are reluctant to go to school or work.

[MikeyFIN]

Finland is the only country where envy makes one tick better than sex.

And this seems not to be a joke sometimes...

[MikeyFIN]

Two Finnish Brothers hadn´t seen each other for 5 yrs and the older one got a visited by the younger one. Immidiately they opened a bottle of Vodka drank it within 15 minutes, opened the second one and went on for a week almost like that.
Then the younger one replied that their mother had died, no answer from the elder one and they continued to drink for a week more.
The older one grunted finally: "oh really she did then finally..."
The younger one starts telling that their father is ill too, no reply form the elder and they drink a week more then the elder asks mighty pissed at the younger one that :" did you come here to drink or talk shit ?"

[Wayne Kerr]

A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?"

Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat,
and to see dad."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now. Keep Belle
on the leash and only go around the block once."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the
block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[Wayne Kerr]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt
real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

*********************************

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four".

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.

"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."