The Infamous joke thread

[Adam]

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me f*cked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney"

[Wayne Kerr]

A man shopping in a supermarket took his purchase of two cans of dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a dog?"
"Yes." replied the man.
"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.
"I left him home." he answered.
"Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."

The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the cashier.
"Yes," he said, "but I left him home."
"Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules."

The next day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in here."
The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft and warm. What is it?"
The man replied, "I'd like three rolls of toilet paper please!"

[Burty]

Ten things men know about women:

1. They have a vaginal opening

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. Oh and tits

[BluFin]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.


No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.


Whispering......

Dave........




Dave........











.........you're a vet

[Adam]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the
tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I
will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and
leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I
remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was
famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".
The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman," what from".
After a short pause. The rabbit said...

"Mixin'-me-toasties".

[mike k]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the kitchen.

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago When
we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she
replies.

The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my
car.............?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send
you to jail for 20 years?".

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been
released today"!!!!!

[Gav]

Sean Connery was interviewd by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show Cilla
said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to
bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half
an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my
bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......
I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem
hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely mind
blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in
the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser , she stole ma wallet !".

[Adam]

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

[BluFin]

Dunno Why had a grin at these two

[OCRDA]

Still the best thread on here !!

[Wayne Kerr]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*cking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*cking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*cking beak to the bar you irritating b*stard of a f*cking bird!"


Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."


Duck says: "Got any bread?

[Jon Fuller]

ROTFLMFAO !

that is excellent.

[Wayne Kerr]

Originally Posted by Jon Fuller

ROTFLMFAO !

that is excellent.

Thankyou ,,,, wos it stand for! (sorry)

[gazza]

ROTFLMFAO
(Rolling On The Floor Laughing My F'ing Arse Off)

[Ring Owner]

I liked these two!!!

[Wayne Kerr]

Originally Posted by gazza

ROTFLMFAO
(Rolling On The Floor Laughing My F'ing Arse Off)

Whoops

[Burty]

Dude, that autotrader advert is well funny

[SplitPin]

Originally Posted by BluFin

After having their 11th child, an Essex couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Bloke said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a large firework and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Manchester, Liverpool, Bristol, Birmingham, parts of Kent, inner London, Newcastle , and anywhere in Wales or Australia.

You forgot Norfolk!!!! But then they can count to 6 on one hand!!!

[olli]

Dear Signore Dirrettore,

Now I am tella you a strory how I was treated at your hotella. I am comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as y young Christian man at your hotella. When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed.
How can I sleep with no shit in my bed?
So I calla down to receptione and tella: ‘I wanna shit!’
They tella me: ‘Go to toilet’. I say ’no, no. I wanna shit in my bed.’ They say: ‘You better not shit in your bed you sonnawabitch!’ What is a sonnawabitch?
I go down for breakfast into ristorante, I order bacon and eggs and two pisses of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and pointa of toast: ‘”I wanna piss’. She tella me ‘go to toilet’. I say: ‘no, no. I wanna piss on my plate!’. She then say to me: ‘You bloody hella not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch! ’.
What is a sonnawabitch?
Later I go for dinner in your ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: ‘I wanna fock!’ and she tella me: ‘Sure, everybody wanna fock!’ I tella her: ‘no, no. You don’t understand me. I wanna fock on the table!’
She tella me: ‘So you sonnawabitch wanna fock on the table? Get your ass outa here!’
So I go to receptione and ask for a bill. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more. When I heve paid the billa, the portier say to me: ‘Thank you and peace on you’.
I say: ‘Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch! I go to Italy! I never comma stay at your hotella,’

Your sonnawabitch!

[Burty]

Paddyshows an Essex Girl the L and R labels in his wellies, explaining they mean left and right. Oh says the girl now i understand the C & A label in my thong