The Infamous joke thread

[freedom]

ollie
you nicked that off a song lol
made by some one called cisco kid
ive still got it in my car

[Burty]

Bloke see an advert in a pet shop it reads ' Talking centipede £5000' he buys it and takes it home in a small box. After about 30minutes he opens the box and asks the centipede if it would like to go for a pint at the pub, The centipede doesn't answer so raising his voice the man repeats the question, still no answer. The man is now getting very angry thinking he's been ripped off shout the question again at which point the centipede sticks his head out of the box and says ' I heard you the first time, i'm just putting my shoes on!'

[Burty]

New research has proved that alchol doesn't make you fat!!!
It makes you lean.............................................. ...............................

against tables, floors, chairs, walls and ugly people!!!!

[Maxim Gibson]

Originally Posted by freedom

ollie
you nicked that off a song lol
made by some one called cisco kid
ive still got it in my car

i remember that!
it was called "pizzaman" and was on Clubland Extreme!
doesn't work as well in text

[Ben]

There's been another recall of childrens' toys manufactured in China

[BluFin]

OOOPs
Did they mean to do this?

[olli]

Two fathers talk about their sons:

“My son is such an idiot, watch this: Son, come here!”
“What’s up Dad?”
“Here I give you one penny, go over to the pub and buy me 40 bottles of beer!”
“Ok dad” and off he goes.

The other father shakes his head.
“That’s nothing compared to my son. Son, come here!
“Yeah dad?”
“Go over to the pub and see if I’m there!”
“Ok dad”

The two sons meet each other at the pub:

“My father is so full of sh*t. He gave me one penny and asked me to buy 40 bottles of beer! He should know that I can only carry two!”

“My father is such a f*ckin’ nut too. He told me to go to this pub and see if he’s here. He could have phoned!”

[BluFin]

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late
so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I
suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he
hesitated but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half
shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later
he did, and I was surprised when we made love.
He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he
was going to leave me and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep.














MANS DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

England lost to South Africa. Gutted. Got a shag though

[jw.]

[Rupert Munro]

Police forget to check where exhaust was on bus advertising

[Burty]

Jim and Edna lived in a mental instutition, one day Jim jumped into the swimming pool and just sank to the bottom, Edna dived in after him, dragged him back to the surface thus saving his life. The following day the manager of the instutition calls Edna to his office as says ' I've got some good news & bad news' The good news is we're releasing you as you are obviously sane as you saved a life but unfortunately Jim hanged himself in the bathroom. No he didn't said Edna thats where i put him to dry.

[BluFin]

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; John, Matt and Donna.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.....
After several years of constant casual sex, Donna felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt that having sex with both Jon and Matt was so bad that she killed herself.
It was a very tragic time but Jon and Matt managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course...

Well, a couple more years went by and Jon and Matt began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing..

. . ..

. . ..

. . ..

. . ..

. . ..

. . ..

. . ..

. . ..

. . ..

. . ..

. . ..

. .. .

. .. .

. .. .

. .. .

So they buried her

[TobyC]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.

Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

[Burty]

Whilst lying in bed with his new girlfriend the man notices a photo on her bedside table. He asks her is that your ex husband? No she replies Another boyfriend then? No don't be silly she says. Well is your dad or your brother then? No she answers. Well who the hell is it then the man demands. Its me 6months ago!!!!

[Dan]

Man marries a deaf girl. He gets across to her that they must work out a code:
If I want sex I'll stroke your brest, you replay by pulling my penis once for yes or 62 times for no

[Burty]

Conversation between man & wife:

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- - silence - -
HUSBAND:
Shit!

[DAVE]

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?" "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?"
The assistant said: "Well, no."
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?" "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"
The assistant replied:


"Because you're in Homebase"

[DAVE]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same", says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

[gazza]

A man's best friend

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A dog truly is a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this
> experiment:
>
> Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
>
> When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you.
>

gaZ

[mamboking]

This is pure class....

A woman meets a man in a bar.



They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.



They get back to his place,



and as he shows her around his
apartment.



She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is



completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.



There are three shelves in the
bedroom,



with hundreds and hundreds of cute,



cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!



It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them



and she was immediately touched



by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.



There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,



medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,



and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy



to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,



She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.



but doesn't mention this to him.



They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,



after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,



'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!



Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'



She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips



He responds warmly.



They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,



and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom



where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.



She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,



more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.



After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,



they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,



'Well,how was it?'



The guy gently smiles at her,



strokes her cheek,



looks deeply into her eyes,



and says:








'Help yourself to any prize



from the middle shelf'