The Infamous joke thread

[BluFin]

humour in one of its various guises

[Kev]

Class John

[BluFin]

I like this one, made me smile
Click Here

[BluFin]

what you want in life

[BluFin]

what to you get

[Pash 1]

Thats just gross John
Should'nt you be getting that Boat of yours puring????? or is it already

[DAVE]

I've got a pet newt called Tiny.



I call him Tiny cos he's my newt.

[TimB-C]

A Man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some silly old git wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really??" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

[Rebel Skier]

I've got a cat called Minton, but he has an awful habit of tearing up shuttle cocks so i have to keep saying 'BAD-MINTON'

[BluFin]

Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany , we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland , put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

[OCRDA]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.

.


.



.


.



"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

[Pash 1]

That is the best joke ive seen in ages BluFin and so true given todays announcments ......

Reminds me of the Joke..
A Russian Doctor exclaims proudly, we are so advanced we cloned the ear off a mouse and grew a genetically identical Mouse.....

An American Doctor (not wanting to be outdone by a Russian) Exclaims ha! thats nothing we cloned the Brain Cell of an ameba and grew a genetically Identical on that we call Mr President

The English Doctor Proudly States, we are even more advanced, we cloned a fart and turned it into a geneticall identical one and we call it Mr. Brown

[verytricky]

Originally Posted by DAVE

I call him Tiny cos he's my newt.

I am sorry, but someone has to hurt you for that one.

[Pash 1]

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," !
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)



(Are you sure?)




(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)




(You can still delete it)




(You know you're gonna be sorry)



(Last chance)





(OK, here it is)




It says,



"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

[Jon Fuller]

Woman sees sign outside pet shop, 'Clitoris Licking Frog' £50.
She goes in. 'I'd like to see the clitoris licking frog', the bloke behind the counter says 'Bonjour'.

[Jon Fuller]

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road, first one picks it up & says, 'I know this face, but I can't put a name to it'.
Second one picks it up and says, 'You daft bastard, It's me!'.

[BluFin]

I was stuck for the anniversary present this year so I treated her to one of these mood rings.

It really does work, when she is in a good mood it goes green



When she’s in a bad mood it leaves a red mark in the middle of my fek**ing forehead

[DAVE]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

[Pash 1]

Does he come supersized with fries??

[SCOTT671]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten Bitch," she screams.

"My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"