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Old 15-02-2006, 05:00 PM   #1
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Why anyone wearing camo shouldn't....

.......be allowed near anything technical.....or expensive.... unofficial report of a patrol in NI....sent to me and passed on, just ‘cause I find it funny….



At first light-ish and we were getting our sh!t together and preparing to trog back to camp when the Section Commander gets word that we're to be picked up by helicopter at such and such a time at so and so a location ! Brill ! So off we sets for the PUP gets there in plenty time, settles down in the hedgerow and gets a brew on.

Now, those of you that have worked with choppers will know, but you soon learn to recognise which ones are which by the noise they make. Each one has a very distinctive sound. So we're all sitting about and we hear this chopper approaching, but it's got a sound that I'd never heard before and I was just getting my head round this fact when the Lynx burst from behind a tree line and circled over us.
'What the facks that ?' some said, some thought.
'Dunno, but it's a cabby looking facker.' someone remarked.
'Is it one of ours ?' remarked some brightspark, tho' who's else he thought it was I never found out.
'It's a Lynx ! Army's newest helicopter.' piped up the section plane spotter, 'twin engines, 10 passengers, 200 mph and it has rigid rotor blades so it's the only helicopter in the world that can fly upside down.' he added, helpfully. 'Really ?' we all piped back at him, 'How interesting !'

Anyhow, this things was obviously going to land and, although it did look cabby, it had two side doors, same as a Puma, so it should'ny be a problem getting on board, 'Pop the smoke !' says the Section Commander,' and form two sticks !'

So, the Lynx bumps down, side on too us, and we all jogged across towards the bird. I was about half the distance away from it and I was thinking, 'Fackin load master must be sleeping, he's no opened the doors yet.' when the head of the sticks in the shape of the Section Commander arrived at the door and having had the 'Don't touch fackin anything !' lectures from the RAF and RN, stood there waiting for it to open.
Hah ! nae loadmasters on a Lynx.
We all dropped to one knee to see what was going to happen next.
The pilots gesturing to the, rather, non plussed Section Commander,
'Open the fackin door yourself !' he gesticulated and eventually the boy got the message, stood back and looked at the door then grabbed the handle in front of him. The one in the middle of the door under the window. The one that jettisons the door in case of an emergency.

As the door came away from the helicopter with the section commander still gripping the handle we all thought,
'Oh,fack, thats done it !! He's gone and broken it !!' or some such.
He stood there no doubt thinking,
'Oh ya cnut, I've broken it !!' or some such and, apart from the fact that there was a Lynx roaring away, you could have heard a pin drop, so too speak.
The crew broke the spell. They revved up, took off and left us and thier, probably, rather expensive door standing in the middle of the field wondering 'What the fack do we do now ?'
'Be a fackin long hump back carrying that facking thing !' remarked one wag, but the Lynx was circling and it seemed obvious that they wanted the bit for thier aircraft back.

Now I don't know what was said in the cockpit, but ye can imagine !
'I say Woger, that bwutes just wipped the doewer orf aar choppa ! Whateva shall we do !'
'Fack knows, Woopert, neva had me choppa vandalised by damn gwunts before ! D'you thinks it's best we go wetrieve it ?'
'I'll say ! Neva a bwoody mechanic awound when you need wun !'

Now bear in mind this is at a time when the only ground to air comms ye had was jumping up and down and waving or firing mini flares at them to get thier attention. So there we were, waiting, crouched in the field while the Lynx came round again and landed a bit further away this time. We all got up ready to run towards it when the door opened and one of the pilots jumped out. He gave us a wave that sort of said 'Any of you fcakers advance an inch towards this helicopter and I'll shoot the feckin lot of ye !' and stomped over to the Section Comander who was sitting on the door by this time as he was scared it might blow away. After much gesticulating and finger pointing the pair of them hauled the door over to the chopper and did whatever they had to do to get the thing attached. Then after a very pointed display to the Section Commander as to where the proper handle was and how to use it we were waved aboard and eventually set off. During the flight the section commander, poor bast*rd, had to sit with the spare headset on and, although you could'nt hear what was being said, you just knew he was getting the bollocking from hell !! He did'nt half get it tight from us as a well. Later on, in the bar, we ribbed him mercilessly, all of us blithly ignoring the fact that we would all have done the same !!

The next time we saw a Lynx there was black and yellow tape markings all around the offending handle and a fcuk off big red arrow pointing to the proper one.

Now, why did'nt they do that in the first place, eh ? Air Corp arrses !
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Old 15-02-2006, 09:03 PM   #2
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