Dear Readers,
Once upon a time there was a man called The Iron Duke.
As all of you know he was a world famous top class engineer
Whilst holidaying one day with Captain Chaos, Ace, Toby Davis and Matt “Caramel and Raisin” Yorkie, it was put to The Duke that he couldn’t solve the problem of improving throttle response times.
“Why of course I can!” said His Dukefulshipness. This is probably one of the simplest things you’ve ever asked me to solve!!” The Iron Duke was a tremendous inventor. Even better than that Dyson ****. Vacuum cleaner Shmacuum cleaner. For £300 I could get someone to lick my carpets clean every week for the rest of my life, do a better job and still have some change.
So His Dukeworthiness set about the task one night with a set of crayons, some greaseproof paper, a ruler, 2 cotton buds and many many pots of Tea. Toby Davis creates one hell of a cup of tea.
The next morning Chaos, Ace, Toby and Matt awoke to see something that had been created that quite frankly this humble narrator can only say would be what God would have created on Sunday had he not just done the rest of Creation and felt a little bit tired.
“I have designed a system” begun His Dukefulworthiness “so powerful I feel almost certain that it will win you any race. Ace, quite frankly I think you should dump that Lummox you are using as a throttle man and replace him with this inanimate object on board Whorelord/Gaylord””
http://www.screwfix.com/prods/52836/...VWPECSTHZOSFEY
“It shall be affixed along the axis of front to back of boat to reduce drag (as opposed to sideways). When the boat is in the water the ballcock will rise, opening the throttle like you are c*nting the pedal into the carpet so hard that the spirit of Malcolm Campbell will be alongside you (his spirit will be a ghost, carry no weight and therefore not disbalance the boat or ruin your power to weight ratio). When the boat is out of the water (I assume it will exit the water at venomous pace (think more Malcolm Campbell than Donald Campbell here)) the ballcock will fall, setting the throttle to “chillax” mode.”
“Not only will it react quicker than Chaos” continued His Holy Dukeliness “it will be cheaper, annoy you less, and unless you take it from one of the cisterns at Waterloo train station it will undoubtedly be more hygienic than Chaos. All this for only £3.99 from Screwfix, some sellotape, and a bit of string, throttle to ballcock.”
At this point I believe Matt “Raisin and Biscuit” Yorkie thought about the proposal momentarily and said “Yes, yes by jove man you’ve cracked it! You are an absolute f*cking Grade A legend!!” Toby Davis bless him tried his hardest to hold the tears back but the outpouring of emotion was too much to bear. Ace slumped to his knees and started some Gregorian chanting, I believe a prayer thanking the Lord for this tremendous day that had been bestowed upon him. Chaos….well Chaos wasn’t so impressed, but had to concede that indeed the ballcock was all these things and so much more.
They all lived happily ever after
The End.
Linear Mode
