IT'S HERE!!!! The top 8 Iron Duke posts of all time!

The Iron Duke

Registered Mental
Jun 2, 2004
Cruising area
I like towing it round the M25
Dear Readers,

Once upon a time there was a man called The Iron Duke.

As all of you know he was a world famous top class engineer.

He was also a Nobel prize winning writer and an orator of such power that he actually caused the battle of Towcaster merely by insinuating that the Queens hat was Mink.

However these are merely an aside.

Last night His Dukelyship was watching “the 100 most annoying people of 2010” (of which incidentally the Duke holds positions 4, 11, 12 ,27, 29, 72 and 119) and decided it was time to treat the general public. So, with the help of comments from his expert panel and also from the great man himself, please find below THE IRON DUKE’S TOP 8 BOATMAD THREADS!!! Woooooo!!!!!

NUMBER 8 - Chaos’s boat on the move! Rare footage!! -
David Attenborough – “if one of my cameramen had filmed like this I would have fed them to a wild gorilla”
Muhammed Ali – “fjksfjkfjfkjkfjfjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkkjkjkjkjkkjkk”

NUMBER 7 - Making light of a submarine tomb -
The Iron Duke – “cracking video”
Flight Lieutenant Borisov, Commander of the Kursk – “Eet was worth dying for innit”

NUMBER 6 - Chaos’s tiny uncontrollable pee-pee -
A Blonde slag he touched up in Chelmsford one night – “it was so small I thought it was a bruise”
Mrs Chaos – “his c0ck is frankly underwhelming”
Ace – “it goes off by accident more than an AK47 held by an Iraqi civilian while driving his Toyota pick up through the town centre on the way to the shops”
Mama Chaos – “we actually thought he was a girl until he was 12”

NUMBER 5 - The day the Duke arrived -
Toby Daniels – “this is when I first noticed the duke. He had picked out 3 of my favourite hand shandy titles. But he did miss out “peachy intrusive thumb stinky sweetcorn weekly”
Captain Chaos – “I would like to own this shop”

NUMBER 4 - Chaos’s phone habits -
The Iron Duke’s downstairs bog – “this man has no aim”
Toby Daniels – “feck me he can drone on”
The talking clock – “he is one boring kvnt”
Mrs Chaos – “sometimes I just put the phone down and let him drone on. Once I was driving when he started talking I fell asleep and ended up in a hedge. Got out of my coma 4 months later. He was still on the same story. I actually tried to turn my life support off.”

NUMBER 3 - Warlord Rebirth:
Sir Patrick Moore – “this man can basically see into the future. The chances of seeing warlord running again are somewhere between eating unicorn steaks for dinner and watching an esquilax give birth. However he has seen into a parallel universe where this boat is made to run again and actually brings it vividly to life”

NUMBER 2 - Chaos’s Boat “rebirth”, and the birth of Chaos’s magical jazz sock -
Mystic Meg – “more a soothsayer than an actual human. He can virtually predict the future. This post from 6 years ago involves an unfinished boat from the future and a fully inseminated sock from the past, present and future”
Marks and Spencers – “we sell over 600 pairs of socks a year to Mr C Chaos”
Chaos’s sock drawer – “the mans a disgrace. It’s so damp in here I’ve started to grow mushrooms. It’s like I’m in a never ending cold fondue”
Chaos’s pant drawer – “I’d like to move to a different part of the house”
Chaos’s shoes – “every time he takes us off it’s like that scene from the crying game. Not enough soap in the world man”

AND HERE IT IS…NUMBER 1 - Throttle Response:
Fabio Buzzi - “a moment of engineering brilliance. I will be replacing all my throttlemen with ballcocks”
Richard Fain, CEO of Royal Carribean Cruises – “we have replaced nearly our entire fleet with ballcock throttles. What a great money saving idea”
Mr C. Chaos, London - “my last single dream in life ruined by something that helps to get rid of poop stains”
Stephen Faldo, captain of the marchioness - “if only he could have invented this 20 years earlier”
The Iron Duke – “one of my finest moments. I had this idea and sketched the plans on a post-it note while driving to work at the local dolphin orphanarium. I was so excited I actually stopped the car, meaning three baby dolphins could not be hand reared that day and tragically died. They made a delicious barbecue though.”
Euan Sutherland, Director of Screwfix – “quite frankly our products are better quality than that useless turd of a man”
Captain Chaos I can't believe you are accusing me of wasting your life!!

Firstly please see Number 4 above.

If I got back all the time you had spent telling me about your Fletcher 27 pulling a 4 G turn or the time you flipped a 180 in your Ring 16 or the time you fitted some real phat alloys to your trailer I reckon I could have discovered the cure for cancer!!
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Yeah I used to own a Lotus and I love British Sea Power! I have tried to tell you about them before but I can't get a word in edgeways around "fibreglass", "volvo 1.8 diesel v6 waterproof", "ace" and "poopdeck"!
"Landlord? I'll have a glass of what he's drinking.."
you couldn't handle it!
yeh, I was only trying to call you all day yesterday to get organised. Is robs house lead lined?
Well - going back to Number 4 on the top 8 - I don't like to be round people's homes and then be on the phone to other people -

"Yeah yeah Toby let's definitely go for the orange metal flake propellor"
"Yeah Ace I was playing Gran Boatismo on the PS3 and touched 140km/h on my Scorpion 32...yeah it was well phat I fitted it with blue underhull lighting..mthe bitches were all over me"
"Big Jonny F, yeah my Phantom 23...I was gonna rename it the Phat nom a big spoiler innit...then have a real big poopdeck fitted so when I get the bitches on they won't be able to resist me"

Those are exact verbatim quotes from you when you have been round spilling tea all over my house and demolishing my biccies whilst chatting on the phone!!
Well that was a turn up for the books! As I said not many humans go drinko a drinko, mano a mano with the Duke.

So there we were me and Chaos in the pub late on Friday night having finished all the beer and spirits and bleach and turps and he asks me if I'd do something at his wedding.

Unfortunately I was so drunk I can't remember what! I'm pretty sure though that he said I was going to be the future Mrs Chaos's fluffer for later that evening. Is that a real job at weddings?
Just in case you had forgotten....
Well partly. First of all I was thinking about this post earlier in the week and how beautifully constructed it was

And today was Ascension Day (praise be to the lord) in Europe so work was very quiet.

So I thought I would remind myself of it quotes like - Mrs Chaos – “sometimes I just put the phone down and let him drone on. Once I was driving when he started talking I fell asleep and ended up in a hedge. Got out of my coma 4 months later. He was still on the same story. I actually tried to turn my life support off.” - I mean that stuff is unwriteable.