Joke

[Gav]

3 men sat in a sauna...

heard a bleeping sound.

the american pressed his arm and the beeping stopped "that was my pager, i have a microchip in my arm!"

phone rings....

the japanese man puts his palm to his ear "that was my mobile, i have a microchip in my hand!"

the irish man not to be outdone, went to the toilet, came back with toilet paper hanging out his arse.
the other 2 stared at him as he retorted " bjasus will u look at that........i'm gettin a fax!!

 

[Captain Chaos]

thats older than my boat!

 

[Ian]

Another

Myself, the wife, and the kids were on Anglesey again last weekend.

On Saturday we visited the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogogogoch.

As it was lunch time and we hadn't had breakfast, we decided to get something to eat before we had a wander around.

The wife was 'harping on' that she could pronounce the name of the village, so I decided to call her bluff and asked the 'obviously' Welsh waitress to tell us 'very slowly' where we were.

I nearly fekkin died.





"B-U-R-G-E-R K-I-N-G" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[mike k]

Priceless

 

[BluFin]

Question: What is a scumbag exactly?

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, “What is a scumbag?”

And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.
In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.
The guy behind him, well, he's a scumbag.

 

[Ian]

What is a scumbag

When I went through my engineering training, the welding instructors went to great lenghts to tell us about 'flashbacks' whilst oxy-acetylene welding. The story was that the flame would travel back down the pipes and detonate the Acetylene bottles. The warning would come in the form of a loud screaching noise at which time the welder would calmly turnaround and shut off the valve on the bottle. THIS WARNING STAYED WITH YOU THROUGHOUT YOUR APPRENTICESHIP.

Once I was 'out of my time' we used to get fresh apprentices to work with us and provide them with on the job training. As well as sending them to stores for 'stripey paint' and 'long stands' we used to let them have a go at 'toilet welding'.

Me and my mate would start them off oxy-acetylene welding and give them a few minutes to 'settle in'.

There they were inside the welding booth with goggles on and flash curtain pulled, happily welding away whilst being hypnotized by the little flame at the end of the welding torch.

We'd then arm ourselves with a 4lb lump hammer and a handful of dust from the floor. Whilst the poor little bast*rd was obliviously welding away we would smash the hammer down on the steel bench next to him and throw the dust past his ears to simulate an explosion.

The fun and laughs we had as we witnessed the poor little buggers drop the torch and spin round to go for the valve was incredible.

 

[BluFin]

WOMEN

[Could be any woman on the planet - NB not my comment]
A Woman walked into a Ford dealer and asked for a seven-hundred-and-ten. They all looked at each other, and the
mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-and-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one.
It had always been there." The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle
and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the bonnet up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car ?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

 

[The gArfish]

de loan raynger an tonnto arr campin inn de fkin dezert an thay pich der tennt an gett de fkin heds dowen forr a kipp

inn de middul ov de nite tonnto sez to de loan raynjer he sed

keemo sabi, wot arr de starrs sayin to yew

wel tonnto, meeteeoroljically speekin thay arr sayin itts gona be a ott daiy toomorow, asstrolojicully speekin satirn iz in marrs, astrownomicully speekin godd iz de boss an wee arr innsignifficant likkul fkkers, kronoljicully speekin ittts harf parst threee

wot arr thay sayin too yew tonnto

sum fkker az pinnched de tennt keemo sabi

gArf

 

[eyeye]

Erd it

 

[The gArfish]

Erd it

wot yew wont. a fkin medul orr sumfink

too mann eetin tygers warkin dowen de seefrunt att bryton onn a bannk olliday munday

wan sez to de uvver . nott meeny peepul abowt strypy

gArf

 

[eyeye]

Fekin rusty dat one.