new joke thread

[Rogue Wave]

This train is delayed....
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Persistent duck

A Duck walks into a bar and says to the Barman "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bloody bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your bloody beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread

 

[Jon Fuller]

at both!

 

[The gArfish]

"All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause we're going down the tracks".

yus, dis waz mi fkin nefyew

dat dukk iz mi eero. i luv fkin irritatin peepul.

i waz inn de bewzwer wiv mississ g lasst nite an i wennt forr a pis. wen i cum bakk shee sed ,oi dat feller ova der jus cum upp to mee an sed eym gonna rip yor blowse owpen, fil yorr fany wiv beere an den drinnk itt orl. i jus satt der sippin mi pynt. aint yew gonna hitt de fkker shee sed. Nowpe i sed. i aint pikkin a fite wiv a fella hoo cann drinnk dat mucch beere

gArf

 

[Captain Chaos]

Garf, "wrongness" just reached a new level!

 

[The gArfish]

Garf, "wrongness" just reached a new level!

i ope yew aint affter bein wan ov dem muderaytors. fukk mee yewl bee stoppin mee eetin mi fkin pees wiv mi nife nekst.

i sea dat yew arr wan ov dem ambylens dryvers. dem bastuds av pikt mee upp a feww tymes wen eyve bin arsold. cheeper dan a fkin taksy. bunnch ov fkin chinskrachers orlwaiys stikkin needuls inn yew an breevin ayr innto yew evun wen yew aint ded. . de bastuds tuk mee too de morg wunce wen thay thort i waz fkin ded. thay ad too cum bakk forr de morg atendint hoo ad a hart attak wen i woak upp att forr inn de mawnin

 

[Captain Chaos]

 

[Gav]

A spastic goes up to the icecream van and says" can i have an ice cream please"
The ice cream man says "yes certainly, what flavour"
The spastic replies " doesnt matter i'm going to drop it anyway !!!***"

 

[Captain Chaos]

Oh my Fkin god!!!!

Thats awefull Gav!

but bloody hilarious!!!!!