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Ciao · May 18, 2005

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 Nelson: "Order the
signal, Hardy." 
Hardy: "Aye, aye, sir." 
 Nelson: "Hold on. That's not what I
dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?" 
Hardy: "Sorry, sir?" 
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects
every person to do his duty regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation,
religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?" 
Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir.
We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own
job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered
racist." 
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Pass me
my pipe and tobacco." 
 Hardy: "Sorry, sir. All naval
vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments." 
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum
ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before
battle." 
 Hardy: "The rum ration has been
abolished, Admiral. It's part of the 
government's policy to stamp out binge drinking." 
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy.
Whatever next? I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead." 
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's
a 4 knot speed limit on this stretch of water." 
 Nelson: "Damn it, man. We're on the
eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all
dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, if you please." 
Hardy: "That won't be possible,
sir." 
 Nelson: "What?" 
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the
crow's nest, sir. Too dangerous. And they said that rope ladder
doesn't meet regulations either. They won't allow anyone up there
until a proper scaffolding can be erected." 
 Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter
without delay, Hardy." 
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a
wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral." 
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've
never heard of anything so absurd." 
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir.
We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled." 
Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've
only one arm and one eye myself and I refuse even to hear mention of the
word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability
card." 
 Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The
Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb
deficiency." 
Nelson: "Whatever next. Give me full
sail. The salt spray beckons." 
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too,
sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without
hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt.
Haven't you seen the adverts?" 
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy.
Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the
enemy." 
 Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about
shooting at anyone, Admiral." 
 Nelson: "What's this? A
mutiny?" 
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's
just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually
kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board watching
everyone like hawks." 
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the
Frenchies and the Spanish?" 
 Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." 
Nelson: "We're not?" 
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and
the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common
Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We
could get hit with a claim for compensation." 
 Nelson: "But surely you must hate the
Frenchies as you hate the devil?" 
 Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's
diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, sir. You could be up on a
disciplinary." 
 Nelson: "You must consider every man an
enemy who speaks ill of the 
 King." 
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must
be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest.
It's the rules. It could save your life." 
 Nelson: "Don't tell me. Health and
safety. Whatever happened to rum and sodomy and the lash?" 
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off
the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment." 
 Nelson: "What about sodomy?" 
 Hardy: "I believe that is now legal,
sir." 
 Nelson: "In that case ... kiss me,
Hardy!"

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Bad Boy 717 · May 19, 2005

very good, reminds me of my days in the "Andrew" . . . booze and birds . . . well booze . . .

Ian · May 19, 2005

Very Good

Here is another one. Gav (Gavros) should like this one

Recently we received a warning about the use of the words "towel heads"
- a politically incorrect term referring to Islamic Terrorists.

Please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.
I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill us do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not a towel but actually a small, folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as

"Little Sheet Heads."

Thank you for your support and compliance regarding this delicate matter

pc?

Ciao

Senior member

Bad Boy 717

Senior member

Ian

Senior member

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